Marriage, Moving, and My Master

My desire has been to sit down several times and update this, as I enjoy writing and find it as a therapeutic reflection of life.    That being said - I intend to be better at writing more frequently.   We finially got internet a few weeks back at our home, so that makes my accessibility to blogging so much easier!

 

October 20th, 2012 brought us an absolutely gorgeous fall day.    We had rehearsal the night before and we were all wearing coats, sweatshirts, etc .... as it was extremely cold and windy out on the hillside where we had the ceremony; and we all doubted whether or not we would be having this outdoor ceremony the next day.    But.... as always... My Master is Faithful in answering my prayers!

 

The weeks leading up to the wedding were filled with lots of joy, stress, and pain.    We made the decison to move back to Bethany a few weeks prior to the wedding day to help alleviate some of the stress of long distance planning and also assist with me finding a local job.    On October 5 we loaded up our Budget truck and drove from Fort Wayne to Bethany.    

 

Those next few weeks were filled with lots of misc. items.   I had several interviews in the Kansas City area, one in Cameron, one in Bethany, etc...   Greg and I had decided we would move where I got a job, and then he would job search from there.   Our hope was to be in the Kansas City area as it was close to friends and close enough to both of our families.     Counting them up I had at least 10 interviews with 8 different facilities:  most of them were in the field of developmental disabilities, one was running a women's shelter, and a third was a job at the local hospital.    I was running all over to dodge!   Our prayers throughout this time was that God would open up the doors he wanted us to take and guide us into our next move.    The week of the wedding I had 5 interviews, 3 on Monday and 2 second interviews on the day of the wedding rehearsal.   One such company, Community Living Opportunities based in Lenexa wanted to interview me for a position they had open in Lawrence, KS.    Even though Lawrence, KS was not on Greg and I'd radar we decided we needed to pursue all opportunities.   So during the height of wedding stress and families arriving to Bethany I was driving myself to Kansas City and then Lawrence for two second interviews.

 

Among the job searching stress we had also been facing questions about our choice of timing and us getting married in general.     The questions were coming from my grandmother, one of my aunts and cousin, and one of my best friends (whom was also to be a bridesmaid).   Mostly there fears were about the timing of Greg and I's choice to marry and Greg not having the opportunity to prove himself to them yet as a changed man who could support a wife and live without his addictions.

 

Facing opposition is hard, especially when its from people you dearly love and care about.    Their concerns and opinions were very important to me but I didn't want their fears to be the one that was guiding my heart and decisions.    So I PRAYED as I wanted God to be the one guiding me and to be the voice I heard over all the others.    There was several moments of doubt, fear, logic, where I laid there in tears wondering what I should do and I did what only  I could do which was lay all those fears at the throne of my Master.

 

In this process I told one of my best and dearest friends (whom was to be a bridesmaid), my aunt, and my cousin that if they couldn't support me and Greg in this marriage not to come to the wedding.    That was a tough thing to do and my heart still aches for the hurt my decision and words may have caused them.

 

So at 4pm on Oct. 20, 2012 as those doors opened I saw Gregory for the first time that day.  Tears were falling from his eyes and his bottom lip didn't stop quivering as I made my way towards him to become his wife.    God gave me the most precious and reassuring moment as I saw his face, I knew I was living in God's will and guidance as we made our way towards him.

Greg watching me come in

 

Me looking at Greg, trying to hold it together!

 





Communion - love the light orb around the elements

Love each of these women in my life and so MANY more not pictured - I am so BLESSED!

I'm on this road with my God and my husband, looking forward to walking forward in faith!

Long story short, we had a PERFECT wedding day!   And while on our honeymoon I got a job offer in Lawrence, KS.    So God has opened this door for us to live in Kansas for some reason, we are unclear of his purposes for us here, but we are here.    God seems to be connecting us with the right people here.... but that's a story for another day!

So many more things to share but I am so happy and thankful to be living with God at my side.   Lots to reflect back on in this past year and so many huge ways God has moved in my life and answered my prayers.    Living in God's will is not easy nor the norm to what our culture will insist upon, but I challenge you to listen to God's guidance in your life!   It's a road worth taking!

God's will vs. my will!

Hello friends!

To those faithful followers - sorry for my absence - I've been distracted - to say the least... ha! It's been a little over a month since I picked up this gem in Plainfield, IN on an early thursday morning.

Overwhelmed is a good word, but doesn't begin to cover my thoughts, feelings, emotions, stress, etc...the past 35 days.    God IS faithful!   He has and continues to answer so many prayers in our life.

Greg summed it up best about 2 weeks ago when we were talking and he says, 'When WE choose to live in God's will for our lives, we can't go wrong as God's got it all figured out!'    Where I'm going with that is that had Greg and Jenna got what WE wanted, so many things would have not led us to where we are standing today... together.    So many examples of things we WANTED these past 4 months:

•  1. We didn't want Greg to have to go to jail.... well... we didn't get that wish and he got sentenced to serve out his 3 year sentence counting the time he had already served.   
• 2.  We wanted Greg to get placed at the closest jail facility to Fort Wayne.    We didn't get that either....  However... God knew what was better.    Had Greg went to the facility near me... he'd still be serving out his time through September.   Instead Greg got placed at a short term program that allowed him the opportunity to earn a time cut by attending classes.   

Those are just a few short items that add to our long list of God knowing what was best for us, even when we thought we had the BEST answers.     It just feels so good to know that when your living in God's will for your life, he's got your back... and holds the future in the palm of his hands.

Top highlights of the past month with Greg:

         1. Watching fireworks together on the 4th of July - recognizing his independence.

         2. Being able to worship together at church

         3. No supervised visits!

         4. I always have my very own dinner date.

         5. Greg being allowed to travel out of state sooner than expected (thank you God!) to 

             travel with me to Missouri and Nebraska and see both our families.

         6. Nature walks

         7. Long talks about where God has brought us and what he has and is continuing to teach us.

Among the good, I'd be lying if I told you it was all hunky dorey for me.   I have had to learn to adjust from my independent nature and ways.    Let me tell ya...it's not easy to give up my routines and ways of doing things to accomodate somebody else.    I've been stubborn, grumpy, upset, and down right angry about it.    Change is hard!   Not to mention the added stresses of wedding planning, finances, job searching, etc...   

We have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months and plans to fall into place.    At this point... my PLAN... ( and I say that loosely as it is ultimately up to God what will develop for us)... is for Greg and I to be moved back to Missouri by Mid October, right before the wedding.    I would like to have a job lined up to start by the end of October or first part of November.    Things have already been in motion in that department as I sent my resume in for a job that Cindy found for me on Craigslist of all places (yes...crazy).   They loved my resume and called me up immediately for an interview and I was able to go in and have that interview on Friday of this past week.    I'm not trying to toot my horn, but they already are making it sound like I have the positionl.    I've been praying that God brings me into the right position that doesn't require me to be on call excessively, and provides me a stress free, enjoyable work atmosphere.    So we shall see what unfolds with God's plan in the next few months.

The count is on... our target registry tells me we have 80 days till the wedding.... I can't wait to be Mrs. Jenna Johnson.    

So.. in a nutshell... want you to know that God is faithful.   Can't tell you how amazed I am in my daily interactions with Gregory and how God has transformed his heart into the Godly man I always desired and dreamed about for my future.   Just TRUST... God knows what He is doing!

Single digits

Today marks the official single digits of me bringing Greg home :)   hip hip hooray! 

Tomorrow I leave for Haiti - I am so excited about the opportunity to go.   I board my first flight in Indy at 6am (5am for all my central time followers) and arrive in Haiti 3:45 tomorrow afternoon.   I keep learning about more and more people I 'know' that will be on the trip from Albany or previous trips ~ so I am not only looking forward to connecting with these first timers but also looking forward to connecting with friends made on the last Haiti trip.

There are a lot of things on my plate in the next several months and a lot of things Greg will be challenged by as he enters back into a day to day normalcy.    I would appreciate prayers for us as we continue to seek God in His plans and provisions for us a couple and as individuals.

22hr til I'm on Haitian soil and 9 days til I pick up Greg.   

Also - please pray for Linda Lamb - she has faced all kinds of opposition from Satan, her doctors, church members, family members, etc... about her decision to go on this trip because of her health.   Give us wisdom about the tasks we do each day and what is best for her energy levels and health.

Thanks - talk to ya all next week!

Haiti bound in 24 days

An opportunity has fallen into my lap to go to Haiti June 19th-27th ~  so excited!   I'll be going as a 'caregiver' to the wonderful Linda Lamb!    Any of you who have been to Haiti over the years with MOH know what an amazing woman she is.    We both haven't been back to Haiti since June of 2010.     Excited to see what God has in store for me while I am there.   2 years ago it was a turning point for me as I was reflecting on my relationship with Greg and knew it was over for 'us' as he was walking down a very deadly path, but looking back it is so amazing what God has done in my life and Greg's life since that last trip.     Looking forward to reconnecting with friends while there and seeing what the team can accomplish during our time.

To top it all off, timing couldn't be more perfect as I'll arrive back from Haiti to Indianapolis on the night Greg is released from prison.    Which means I'll be able to pick him up when they drop him off at the bus station early morning on the 28th.     In my book, It'll be a perfect homecoming!

Some memories from my last trip!

Also - looking forward to some R&R with the future in-laws.

As I was out walking this evening with two fantastic women from my life group.....   a kid jumped out of a car in a hot dog suit.     Unfortunately I was unable to grab a picture.... but this was really comical and added some additional joy to a wonderful evening.  

Then I got to have some chinese with JJ & Alicia, followed by a phone call from Greg.   

As I sit here and reflect on the day, weeks, months.... I'm so grateful for the people God has placed in my life here in Fort Wayne, the opportunities to sit on the sidelines of their lives and see their steps of faith, answers to prayers, and watch as God continues to move in mine.

33 days... not that I'm counting or anything.

I miss deep conversations and quaility face to face time with my friends.... the weeks seem to get longer here.     I have not found or formed any friendships here that are beyond surface level or work related... I hate surfacey relationships.... I want nuts and bolts...     still looking here for them.... 

So yes... I miss my QT time....  33 days and I'll get more QT with my future husband... looking forward to that too.

41 days and counting!

Great NEWS tonight from Greg via phone - he got his official paperwork for his 'out' date - JUNE 27th it is, PTL!   

Greg's been worried about it - I kept telling him it will all work out like it should - and thus - it continues to fall into place as God's in control of this journey.

Now... several other things yet to be determined in our lives .... but I'm not worried... God's seeing us through every hurdle, hill, valley, and rooftop.

Who you listening to?

Just had my life group meeting tonight, and I came home and opened my bible to this, which relates heavily to our discussion of several of the women's hearts tonight:

NLT version:

John 5:41-42 "Your approval or disapproval means nothing to me, because I know you don't have God's love within you."

So many of us struggle with hearing God's voice in the sea of swimming opinions, advice, and lies from Satan.

This past 6mo to a year I've had my fair share of voices of what I would like to call 'loving fear' from important people in my life who have questioned the path I am on.     It takes wisdom and a heart in tune with the Lord to make sure you take into account what needs to be heard and what things are potential road blockers to keep you from walking in faith.    I value those words of wisdom from the people God's blessed my life with.... but sometimes you need to pull away from those voices and listen to the only one that matters.
   
Who's approval are you seeking?

Quote from one of the women tonight, "Its easier to for God to move you when you are already in motion."      

Shame.... brokeness.... heartache.... loss.... success.... encouragement.....we all have our own testimony that God has given us to draw us closer, build our faith, and use for His glory!   

Locks: Are you in or out?

Ever lock your keys in your car?     I'm the person who usually leaves the keys in the ignition, doors unlocked, and I'm open to anyone borrowing my wheels.....  So yesterday ... I'm commuting home from my 2 and 1/2 hour weekly visit with Greg.    I decide... 'hey.. I really could use a pit stop to empty my 'tank' and hey..while I'm at it... I could check and see if that bar stool that I found on clearance is here at this store so I can purchase a match.'     As I pull into the parking lot I get a work phone call regarding a clients behavioral issues, so as I multi-task I finish up the conversation, get out of my car, put phone away, feel for my keys.... realize... I have no keys.... turn around with enough time to hear the locks go 'click'.     Here I am... 85 miles away from my 2nd set of keys locked in my apartment... in some suburb along Interstate 69.     At this point I realize I left my drivers side window open about two inches.... this is where I attempt inserting my chubby arm.     I soon realize this method is not working... so I go inside and purchase this thing...

The WONDER BAR!     The lady at the Meijer's checkout looked at me funny when I came through to purchase this and an extremely long metal ruler.     She made some comment about doing some 'heavy work' and I responded... 'well actually... I locked my keys in the car'.    She said I needed to go get a hanger instead, I told her if this didn't work I'd be back for the hangers in a minute.    I head out to the parking lot and start my mission.    Before long, I have an audience of encouragers.    By my forth attempt I hit the locks and was good to go.     One guy says to me 'you're sure a smart one!'.... I responded ...'I'd have been a whole lot smarter had I not locked them in my car in the first place!'.

So thank you WONDER BAR for coming to my rescue....

I've just had the realization that I've not been very good at updating my blog these past few months, so many things keeping me preoccupied here that I seldom have down time to sit and gather my thoughts to share, but its important to give you an update!

I finially feel all settled in my apartment, its nice to have my own place to come home to again, and nice to have some of my own stuff again.

This last week Gregory had his final test for his class he has been taking, and I'm proud to say he got a perfect score!   The only one in his class to manage a 100%!    So this confirms that he will receive his 90 day time cut!    WOOHOOO!!!   Beyond excited.     We are definiately on the down hill slope of this hurdle.      I am very blessed to get to go down to Plainfield once a week to visit him for a 2hr visit (often our visits last a tad longer which is an added bonus).    It's so nice to be able to see, touch, and sit across from him to have eye to eye conversations with him.     It looks like June 27th ... if not before will be his expected release date, and it could be sooner than this.    We are praying that his paperwork and everything gets processed quickly so that nothing is held up in the system to hold him back from getting his early release.

We both know there is a long, difficult road ahead of us and that it will require a lot of work on our parts but we are so excited to continue to move forward on this journey God has brought us on.   Very excited to see what the road ahead entails for us.

Interestingly enough.... I find it amusing that God used a locked car door this week to remind me of God's open door policy for us to join Him.     Here I am... week after week... waiting, wondering, and trying to get in and of locked spaces while Greg just longs to get out.     Freedom is a precious thing, I'm thankful for the freedom I have in Christ.     Walking into the prison courtyard and being shut inside layers of gates and doors is not confining because of who I am, free in Christ.     Lord thank you for your grace, your love, and the abundant joy you put into my life.     Thank you for opening the right doors and closing the wrong ones in my life and pushing me to walk boldy through the gates you have prepared for me.

This week I bought a dress, went to prison, moved into an apartment, and fired a difficult employee.

Well - the last 7 days have been spectacular!    My mom flew in last Friday night and we did some shopping for bridal gowns.    I found a dress Saturday morning in Indianapolis, it has the BLING I was looking for, along with accomodating the style choices of some of my highly favored friends I polled, and it's strapless to appease Greg's vision.      I'm excited to see what it'll look like when it comes in brand new and in my proper size.    Dress shopping was fun, but I'm glad that stressor is over with.    It was an added bonus to have mom here to show around town and just to talk to about decisions and wedding plans.

Upon arriving home Saturday evening from Indy, I was THRILLED to find a letter from Gregory - inside he had put the slip of paper that said I was approved for visits.    He wrote the one liner 'the balls in your court'.     We've been waiting for several weeks now to get through the visiting approval process, and this has been one of my top priority prayer requests!    So Wednesday morning I flexed out some time from my job and headed down to Plainfield, Indiana to suprise Greg at the Short Term Offender Program.

So - what do you envision as you walk into prison?   For my experience - it started in a parking lot where I followed another woman up to a big tall metal gate with the wires across the top.    I pressed the button and the lady on the other end says 'state your name'...  as I did I heard the gate click open for my passage way up a long paved sidewalk.     As I reached towards the crest of the hill I reached another gate with a speaker.    As I approached the gate the door automatically was clicked open.   I walked through it and climbed the stairs into an historic looking house like building.      I followed the arrows that led me to room with a scanner and metal detector.    The lady asked for the number of the offender I was visiting and my photo id.     As she processed me in, I placed my keys in the locker provided and stepped through the scanner.    I then received a visitor badge and was asked to wait in another tiny room.     At that point I was escorted with 3 other moms visiting their sons through the building and out onto the prison grounds.      As we walked I noted inmates working in various locations throughout the campus : mowing, trimming, taking out trash, etc....    I followed the group as we passed through a third gate with a barbed wire fence on top.     We walked across the campus (the facility is located on the grounds of an old boys school) and passed by several buildings.   Some of them looking like the dorms for the prisoners, another building labeled the chapel, and we were led into a giant meeting room with vending machines and tables and chairs.    We were told what area we could sit in and we waited for our loved ones to arrive.

I was greeted with a long, lingering hug and then a kiss.    We got to enjoy an hr and a 1/2 visit and just relish in the freedom of not communicating through a phone or a glass window, it was glorious!  We talked, we laughed, and we dreamed.     The visit was not near long enough, but we parted remembering that this situation was temporary, I reminded Greg as i departed to 'Stay strong, and remember greater things are yet to come.'

Upon the visitors leaving the room and being escorated across campus and through the multiple gates, I learned that as we were still walking within site, the inmates were being strip searched in the room we had just had our visit in.    Greg told me he could see me walking across campus as he was being thoroughly searched for any contraband, etc...

Funny things Greg has learned about prison: people are CREATIVE as you wouldn't believe the things people can make out of nothing.     The prison is a smoke free facility, however this certainly isn't the case as bags of tobacco are brought in by staff and sold to inmates, who then internally have their own profit ring as they sell to other inmates within the facility.    Staffers look the other way as inmates hideaway in the bathrooms to smoke.     Batteries are a hot commodity as 2 Batteries can be stripped and used to make a flame to light their cigarrettes.   The list goes on....

Greg has been struggling these last few weeks - he has chosen to isolate himself from the other inmates.   He barely talks to anyone just because he feels he's better off this way, if you say the wrong thing things get messy or if you talk to the wrong people, etc...    So in his isolation, Satan's been playing with his thoughts.     I'm happy to report that following my visit Wednesday and our conversation tonight he's sounding more upbeat and happy.   

Monday I interviewed for a position with Indiana Mentor, the job would be a career advancement and a great financial plus.   I felt like the interview went really well but won't know anything for at least a week or two as she said they would run references and get our background checks completed before making a decision.

So - All in all - a great week - mom came to visit, I got to see Gregory after several months, found a wedding dress, had a promising job interview, and got posession of my apartment.

Next week will also be full of fun as I fly back to missouri and get to spend time with loved ones, get my hair done, make some more wedding plans, and then pack up my storage unit into a UHAUL to drive on out to Indiana to unpack and get settled.    I'm so looking forward to going 'home' this next week.

Thank you for your prayers ~ and your continued prayers on this journey.

What's shaking this week

Hello hello!    I'm just loving this 60-70 degree weather, these are my IDEAL temperatures!   I had a perfect walk tonight with Jason/Alicia's dog, I loved having the wind against my face and the moon shining above.    Very pretty evening!

Wanted to let you know God's been answering prayers (as he always does!).    Greg got to start classes on Tuesday, this puts him right on track to complete their 9 week program and be able to leave June 27th.   

In addition, he had asked for prayers on Sunday night as he was really struggling with the evil around him among the men, demeaning comments to staff,  rotten attitudes, etc...     As many of you know being surrounded by the constant evil can be hard to handle but living with it can be even worse.    Greg sounded very discouraged and depressed, sharing about the kind of things he has to listen to as he tries to fall asleep in the dorm at night.    He told me all he could do was lay there and 'pray' and try to shut everything else out.     After our conversation on Sunday night, he was BLESSED to be able to attend an hour and a half church service Monday afternoon which included praise and worship and a sermon.   Greg's been desperate for some praise and worship time, and this was just the boost and answer to prayer he needed to recharge his batteries.    He so desires the freedom to again be able to attend a weekly church service, something we often take for granted.

Tonight I finially heard back on the Chiropractic position.    My interview with the chiropractor on Friday went well, however I didn't make the cut.    I lost out to another applicant who had massage therapy experience.   He did tell me he is keeping me at the top of his stack as their may be another opportunity arise in the near future.     I feel okay about not getting the position as I was starting to worry about taking the financial cut.     I figure God's got me taken care of and he will open and close the right door as opportunities arise.

Sunday I went wedding dress shopping.    This was fun and a little surreal.     We only hit one store, but I got a better perspective on what kind of dress I want to search for, not its just finding the right one.

I have decided on an apartment, and will get posession on April 2nd.    So i'm looking to make a trip back to Missouri the 2nd weekend of April; flying in and renting a uhaul to drive back to Indiana with my 'junk'.    Hopefully by April 2013 we'll be packing a UHAUL to move back to the KC, MO area.

I welcome continued prayers for finding the right job, stress relief from current job, and wisdom in decision making.    Thanks all!

Living outside of the box

Hello!! -

I've been a little negligent of updating this fun little writing outlet for myself.    I really enjoy sitting down to think through my thoughts and sharing what's on my heart.    However, lately I've felt like I've been in constant motion that there has not been much time to be still.    So, that's what I've really been challenging myself these past few weeks, as I re-evaluate some of my current situations.    I absolutely LOVE how God uses songs, sermons, people, etc... to communicate exactly what I need to hear.    This verse from a few weeks ago was perfect:

The Message's version 46:10 "Step out of the traffic!   Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything."

We live in such a high paced connected society that sometimes we forget to step back, retreat, and just BE STILL away from all the hustle and bustle of our lives.   

So, that being said I have really been evaluating my current position and how much stress, hours I have to work, and very poor pay.    I'm to the point in life where I'm not willing to have my job be my life, and thats what this job is starting to require of me.    Really like many aspects of my position, but there are many others that just frustrate me.    So, I've been in the search process for something different.    This past week I applied and interviewed for a Chiropractic Therapy Assistant Position.     It sounds perfect and right up my alley of enjoyment.    I have my 2nd interview on Friday with the chiropractor, so it will be interesting to see if he is someone I can see myself working alongside.    This job consists of working M-Th, and would offer me the pleasure of being able to leave my 'work' at work and to come home or go to another PT job without the stress of being on call all the time.    So, I've been in prayer about this process, decisions that this could lead to, and just being able to find enjoyment in a job here.

I finially got to talk to Greg a week ago Friday, on 2/24/2012, as he was moved to his official site location of where he will serve out his time.    I love our letters back and forth, but there is something so nice in being able to have those real time conversations back and forth without the snail mail lag in communication.    He is doing AWESOME and is in great, high spirits in his location.     Something that I ask for prayers for him for is endurance and strength.    He shared with me that in the first 15 minutes of being in this facility - the Short Term Offender Program - he had the opportunity to drink alcohol, smoke weed, smoke cigarrettes, etc...   Crazy the stuff that you can get away with in prison.     

One of the BLESSINGS and exciting things we have learned is that Greg is able to knock off 3 months of his sentence by being involved in their classes at the program.     This puts him being done with everything on June 27th.    We are in prayer that he can move forward and start classes as soon as possible, as right now he is just waiting for them to allow him to start.    Another blessing is that once we get all the paperwork done, and me approved as a visitor, then I can go and see him 1x a week and we can have 2hr visits.     One of the downfalls is he is 134 miles away, which isn't forever away, but it is a significant trip back and forth.   

Due to Greg's earlier release date, we've discussed at length when we want to get married, and we both agree that we want to do it this fall.     So, I guess its safe to tell you all that I'm getting married.    Most likely the end of October, we are looking at the 20th or 27th, and looking at some Kansas City location options.      I know this causes many mixed reactions from people, most of them concerned that we are rushing things, or that it would be better to wait awhile after Greg is out and had time to prove himself accountable.      I know in my heart, and believe that this is who and where God wants me.     We could wait to appease everyone else comfortable about our decision, but bottom line is that we both feel that God's got us both in the palm of his hands and he's going to guide and protect us in this decision.   

As Greg and I discuss the reactions various people are making to me, we both are very real about the situation.   He most of all understands peoples reservations towards him and his past, but he knows that he has never been at this place in his heart and his faith.      

So I ask.... What is faith?   It's not easy to get out of the box, but man does it feel good to live within the center of God's will.     Will we make mistakes - most definiately - but that's going to be okay because it is in our weaknesses that God draws us closer to Him and teaches us.    

So... here I sit with 3 things on my heart and mind:   Job decisions,  Moving / decisions on when to get my apartment and move my stuff from Missouri, and planning a wedding from a few states away.  

Psalm 37:23 "The steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord, He delights in every detail of their lives.   Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

Wanting His Will, Not Mine...

Lots of thoughts running through my head, as I try and figure out what I want to say.    I've had some very emotional low points these past couple of weeks, reaching points of sheer frustration and anger at the way things have been going ....   at work, at home, in my head....   Satan has definiately been pushing me down.    But I know, no matter what tricks Satan tries to play... I am going to come out the winner in the end.  

Psalm 33:4 'For the word of the Lord holds true, and EVERYTHING he does is worthy of our trust.'

I guess my low points started last weekend when every single time Greg called me, our conversations were filled with a static filled phone line.    When you are limited to those precious few minutes together on the phone, its really frustrating when that little bit of communication is taken away from you.     I was so mad and angry, and there was nothing I could do about it but pray.    Pray for this trial in my life, pray that I was able to have 1 clear conversation, pray for Greg.     You see... the past 2 weeks we have been playing the waiting game, not knowing when he was going to be transferred to the Reception Diagnostic Center in Plainfield.     All we knew was that they would come in the middle of the night to start processing him out of the county jail and get him transferred.   Once transferred he would under go psychiatric tests, etc... and they would review his records and determine placement of where he will serve out his remaining 7 and a 1/2 months of jail time.    Once he was gone - we knew we would not be able to talk from anywhere to a week to four weeks depending on how long it took to place him somewhere.     So... for two weeks we left the end of our phone calls with the thoughts that they could come and get him tonight.     Greg has actually been really excited about leaving, and looking forward to prison as suprisingly it is much better and more highly favored than the county jail.   Who knew?!     The Lord answered my prayers Monday night (after I had an emotional Sunday of bawling about my situation....) and I had an awesome, clear, and pleasant phone call with Greg.    I found out Tuesday afternoon that he was transferred out, which was an answer to our prayers as well.

Work has been a constant rollar coaster of events and issues popping up.    Staff getting sick, residents requiring trips to the doctor or emergency room, etc...   So that has added to my frustration levels.    Last Saturday I had to work a few hours, and got called on Sunday... and pretty much every night this week.     I definiately HATE being on call for work.     I've started to question if my 'sniffing' job has ruined be for life or if God is just preparing me for something more.    My job isn't satisfying me.     I mean I love my residents, and I'm GREAT at what I do in the field, but I just want MORE.    I think I mostly want a job that I can leave at work at the end of the day, or I want to be out pursuing my passions.     What that is..... God knows... not sure I even do yet... but I wouldn't be suprised if it involved impacted the Kingdom in some way.      I don't have much fruit in my life right now - I've been missing my 'community' of Bethany - my involvement in church, connections to people, physical proximity to loved ones.

The icing on the cake this week for me was thinking I had worked things out to 'roadtrip' back to Missouri / Nebraska with Jason/Alicia on Thursday for the weekend (they had to head to Omaha for a funeral).    I had everything worked out, and then Wednesday afternoon I learn that we had nobody to be 'on call' for my job as my co-partner manager had a show Friday evening, my boss was booked covering two other houses, and the other girl I asked couldn't do it either.    Just when I thought I was going to get a ray of light and be rejuvinated by my spending some quality time with my loved ones I have that door shut.   Bummed....  I was totally disappointed and frustrated.       Perhaps though... time alone is just what I've needed to recharge my batteries.     I've had the house to myself since Tuesday, and a 2nd house to myself since Thursday (plus 2 dogs)....   So I've taken full advantage to having the spaces to spread out, crank up some tunes, and take a refreshing bubble bath.     It's been good to have my own space again, I forgot how much I enjoy my own time.    So.... despite my desires for community, God's given me solitude and time to sit and relax in His presence.    Just what I needed.   

Still working on the 'forming connections' here in Indiana's piece of the puzzle.   I had to miss my Life group's first meeting Thursday night because I was stuck at the hospital dealing with work.   Its hard to form relationships when work interferes with developing those connections.

Another thought running through my head is 'this is only temporary' so why set down roots?   In my mind, I've already started counting down the approximate length of time I'll be living here in Indiana.    That's right... this was a short term move.     Greg and I want to be back living in the Kansas City / Nebraska area by next April'ish',  after we are married.     Yes.... married... we are looking at Jan/Feb of 2013 to become husband and wife.     If Greg would have it his way, we'd be married sooner, but we will see where God has us.      

I know to many of you I probably sound extreme and lost, but all I can tell you is that God is guiding my heart.    Crazy Faith ~  sometimes you gotta jump and just TRUST the voice telling you to DO IT.    I can't deny that God wanted me here in Indiana, but at times my current perspective is clouded by all the road blocks that have been put up since arriving.    

My prayers have often been that God hear the desires of my heart, and let MY desires be in line with HIS WILL.    I know God desires to give us those dreams we have, but those are not always what He knows is best for us from His perspective.     Today as I was reading in Matthew, this verse stood out to me:   

         Matt 26:39 'He went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground, praying "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.    Yet I WANT YOUR WILL, NOT MINE....." '

This was Jesus' praying before he went to suffer for All of us on the cross.    Prostrate before the Lord he begs for the possibilities to not go through what he is about to go through, but still he knows his Father knows what is best.      Even though I have my desires, and I hate this time of 'waiting' and seperation, I know My Father knows what is best for me.    I DO want His Will and I do trust my Father.

Pam... will write soon.... please be patient.

Pam told me yesterday I needed update so she could continue to staulk me....    well ....  thanks for the encouragement Pam, I was beginning to believe nobody was reading my posts.   

So..... just so you know - I appreciate the comments and feedback, even if you are just out to staulk me.

New post coming soon... hoping to have some time tomorrow to sit down and fill you in on the lastest scoop.    For now... I gotta be up at 5am, so I'm choosing to catch some ZZzzz's.     Night ya'll - and God Bless!

End in sight....

Well - I have been slow on the update but wanted to share that court on Thursday went somewhat well, the outcome still 'stinks' in terms of the length of time, but God's in control so we are content with that.    Greg has approximately 249 days left to serve out in jail, and then he will be done with everything.   No probation or other conditions.     So that comes out to about 8.4 months, or the end of September.     Greg was very excited and praising God on Thursday, however was more down about it last night when we spoke because the reality is setting in of how long 8.4 months can feel.    I've been encouraging him to look at the positives and the fact that we now have a timeline.     I know, as he says, nobody has any idea of how hard it is to be in a jail cell day in and day out and be surrounded by people who are so negative and full of such evil idea / thoughts.    We are still unsure of where Greg will be at during these next 8 months, whether he is in the county jail or gets shipped away to one of the prisons.   We would continue to appreciate your prayers for God to reveal his purposes for this time for him, to protect him, give him strength, be encouraged, and find peace & joy in his circumstances.    Greg worries about many things in regards to the length of time he will be away - mostly his neices not knowing him, his relationship with his brother, and time apart from me and the rest of his family.   I would appreciate prayers especially in being the encourager / motivator that he needs when he calls, I'm finding it difficult to deal with the emotional ups and downs he is experiencing and give him the right kind of encouragement.    Last night I yelled at him that he had to 'choose' how he was going to react - he could choose to be negative about his situation or choose to trust God and be positive.   So... at this point today... I see the end of September as a tenative date when I will really get to see and spend time with Gregory.

Had my last preliminary meeting with my potential life group, and I feel like God is really going to bless me with some awesome women who need other women in their life to connect with, be relational with, and share in lifes struggles.    Feeling blessed by the worship, messages, and ways God is speaking through the music / sermons at Emmanual Christian Church.    This morning was on Exodus 3, talking about Burning bush moments, God's definiately given me my own burning bush moments.

Yesterday was fun, I got to play in the snow with Greg's brother's family.    It's been a long while since I've been sledding, I think I was as excited as the kids were about going.   Put my bib overalls and my muck books to use here in the city, haha, got a laugh out of explaining to Alicia that I was not wearing snow pants but coveralls.    Us country folk have some more practical uses for our coveralls.

Some pictures from yesterday - I had fun testing out my new SONY camera I bought myself with my Christmas money, really enjoy how fast and the quality of pictures I can now take.

1 Month Down

I just realized  that today officially marks my first month of being in Indiana.    Crazy how fast time flies.    

As I'm easing in to week 3 of the job, I'm still in somewhat of a 'training phase'.    I'm getting to know my staff and guys in my home.     The highlight thus far has been 'winning over' some of the guys who have hard personalities to crack.    Also another highlight was getting one of the men to smile and start laughing while playing catch (he doesn't normally do this).... to top it off I accidently nailed him in the face with the ball and he found this hilarious.   Now every time he sees me he has a big smile on his face.     I have 8 men's care I oversee - aging from 55-78 yrs of age.    They are all so unique and have such fun and different personalities.  

I'm starting to get plugged into a life group through a local church, this past week they started 'organizing us' into groups and it seems I've been placed with 3 other 'new' Fort Wayne residents within the last year.    One woman seems to be a widowed single mom, another single mom, and then another young lady who seems to have lived everywhere.     Seems to be some interesting dynamics, but I look forward to getting connected here.     I've been attending a 'Emmanual Community Church'...... definiately a large congregation.    The next 9 months the pastor is doing a sermon series on Exodus, and thus far I've really enjoyed his engaging messages based off the scripture passages.

Thursday is a big day for Greg and I as we hope to find out an 'outcome' for him at court.   We've been praying through it and just trusting God with whatever awaits him and us.    I believe God knows whats best, but I'm still making sure God knows my desires.     If only my Desires would be inline with his will.     Appreciate your prayers for thursday.    Specifically that Greg can get out of jail, and be able to move forward with treatment / help that he needs.     Court is at 1:30 (12:30 central time).

Photo blog



Alicia tonight - we we're celebrating her 35th Birthday.    These are the kids I hang out with all the time - Mia, Maggie, Morgan, and Mason



This is Terri & Marty's Home - I'm blessed to be living here for the time being.   

This is my room here.    Big transition from having a house to being back in



Maggie & Morgan's Bedroom Project I helped with painting.



Mia's repainted and decorated room, had fun with this one too!

This is Terri - she's an awesome Godly woman - blessed to be able to get to know her and live in her presence.     She's also an amazing cook and grandma!   This is on Christmas day - we are having a Birthday cake for Jesus.

God's bigger.

Just had a great visit with Gregory.    Only getting to see him 20 minutes every two weeks is not enough, but it is better than nothing.

On Sunday Greg was put on a 'suicide watch' when a fellow inmate reported him for fasting to the nurse.    Greg had in fact been fasting & praying for three days, he was on day three and had planned to have a big meal on Sunday evening.     During that time he was really in prayer over several things and reading the word.      When the nurse asked him while taking his blood pressure that evening if this was in fact what he was doing, he shared how he was and how much God has been moving in his life, drawing him even closer,  and blessing him.     He returned to his cell, and within twenty minutes officers were coming to transport him down to the 'suicide watch' cell area.     Trust me when I say Greg was in NO WAY suicidal.     He was then put into a green 'dress' and put into a rubber room for the next 48hrs.    Just him and God.    It was a challenging time, but as he said 'God is bigger than any of this'.      He shared how 1 Peter 3 really came to light through this experience for him in regards to suffering for the glory of the Lord.

To say this was frustrating and difficult for Greg is only cutting the surface.     As he said.... how is ripping everything away from someone going to help if they are in fact suicidal??    Once again - another reason the jail system sucks.    This county jail is paticularly over the top now because they had someone kill themselves on their watch a few weeks back.

Thankfully this situation is only temporary.   God's got bigger plans for Gregory and they  go beyond the walls of the county jail.    He has court next week on the 19th, we are praying that God can move big time through the attorney and the courtroom that day so that Greg can be removed from the current situation and back into a positive treatment environment or come home.     But, no matter what happens next Thursday, we will rejoice.   So we ask you to pray with us!

MARVELOUS JOY

‎'I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you, I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.' -Psalm 9:1-2

ReJO(Y)ice

Phillipians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always.   I will say it again.   Rejoice!"

Hello everyone!  

Just a quick update from Indiana:

This past week I started my job which basically thus far has consisted of training and classes that I've already had in Missouri or know about with being in the field for the last 10 plus years.    So, to sum it up, thus far it has been a LONG and BORING week!    I also found it extremely difficult to sit in one room for 8hrs a day.     Part of that was my need to keep busy and partly missing my 'outdoors' job.    This next week will allow me to get into the home I will be supervising and meet my residents and staff.   Starting Tuesday (Monday I have my last class of training) I will be working in the home along side my staff as I get to know the routines, patterns, etc... of the house.    So I'll have a crazy schedule this week working one overnight shift, one morning shift, a weekend shift, and a couple evenings.   

The home I'll be responsible for consists of 8 older male gentleman who are fairly low key and mellow.   I have learned this week that my 'partner' - the Residential Manager - is also new to her position and just started two weeks ago.     She is fresh out of college and has little to no experience, but together we will be a 'married' team, essentially knowing one anothers jobs and being each others counterpart.   The girl who is my partner is actually a girl I went and toured the agency with during my interview, so I have met her before.    I think we should be able to connect and work well together, and I look forward to building up a good team and system in the home we are responsible for.

I've been really excited about the professionals and peers that I have met within the company thus far, I think I am going to connect really well with my coworkers and supervisor.    I'm already worried that I'm gonna like it too much that I won't want to leave it.    You see.... all along the move to Indiana has been planned to be a short term experience - 1 year.. maybe two, but we'll see what God has in store with that.

Greg is doing great, we've had some ups and downs these past few weeks.    One of the biggest battles for us is communication, not because we want it to be but because of the circumstances we are in.     Those circumstances being limited time windows for him to call, loudness on the cell block, and static on the phones as at this time Greg remains in jail.   Despite the circumstances, we believe God's in control of the situation, Greg continues to see God use him with men he encounters within his cell block.   We are specifically praying for a guy named John and his wife Amanda and their kids Zach and Obadiah as this man wants to see restoration of his marriage and his family.   

I get to visit Greg every other Tuesday evening, so this week I will get to go see him for the second time since moving here.    It's like you would imagine, straight out of a movie scene talking to him through a plate glass window and a telephone receiver.    Definiately not one of those life experiences I ever that I would be having, but I'm confident that this is a temporary challenge for us that we will be able to look back on and see God's mighty hand at work.

You may be wondering why Greg is in jail ~ to make a long story short he was put back in jail over a comment he made to a peer at the Kelley House.    The comment was about a security guy that he feels has had beef with him ever since he first escaped out of the house last spring.    When Greg returned to the house in August with a heart change and a desire to be in the program for the right reasons he sat this guy down and apologized for his actions.    That being said, things continued to happen and Greg still has felt that this guy has wanted him to fail within the program and twisted his reports around to make Greg look worse off than what actually has occurred.     The weekend I moved to Fort Wayne he said something in venting to his peer that 'kharma is a bitch' about this paticualr guy and that was reported to the staff.    The staff then took Greg and discussed situation, and they talked about how he should have handled his feelings towards this gentleman.     Greg knew right away he messed up, he shared how he should have handled his frustrations more appropriately by approaching this guy personally and discussed his feelings, however they still saw Greg's comment as a personal threat to this staff.    So when this staff came in on Monday morning he said he felt uncomfortable and to send him to jail.    Greg did not directly threaten the guy or have any intentions of this nature, however because of the stingent rules in the jail operated rehab program he went back into jail, so has been sitting in jail for the past 3 plus weeks.     In court Greg chose NOT to return to the Kelley because he feels that no matter what that this paticular staff member will continue to do what it takes to keep trying to see Greg fail and the bottom line is Greg just wants to move forward and move on with his life.    As everytime Greg returns to the program their is the possiblity they can restart him back to the beginning, and they continue restarting him in the program for the next three years.   Greg is very fond of his therapists, doctors, and staff within the program and will tell you that the program has changed his life for the positive.    Despite that fact, he and I both agree that we don't want to live in constant limbo for the next 3 years and allow them to dictate his future.    We confidently believe God's in control and he's got a better plan.   

So NOW we wait until Greg returns to court on the 19th, we ask for your prayers for God's hand in the courtroom and working through the attorney - Adam.    Our desire is for Greg to be able to go into a house arrest program through the Veterans Affairs Administration.     A year ago when Greg was originally sentenced for his DUI he was sentenced to 3 months house arrest, at the time he was homeless and because he didn't have a place to go they assigned him to 3yrs with the Kelley House.    We are praying that he will be able to finish out his remaining sentence via house arrest or work release or be cleared of everything completely!   Worse case scenario he will have to finish out his time in a jail cell.

I know this sounds like a complicated mess, but I want you all to know that I'm so proud of the man Gregory has become as by the grace of God he has become a spiritual leader, an excellent communicator, and has developed a heart for people.    His broken road / or rather our broken road has been such a blessing!  We are both confident that no matter what God has got this in His faithful and caring hands and all we can do is walk forward in faith and confidence.   

So - I say it again - REJOICE!   God's got everything under control.    I'm so blessed here in Fort Wayne as I've got Greg's loving and busy family to keep me fulfilled and needed.    I am loving my living situation with Terri and Marty - it's nice and peaceful.      I guess as my friend Courtney said in my response to how much I was loving living within a retirement community  'you always were an old soul' .... yes.... I am an old soul and like my time to read and reflect.    I have been missing Missouri, but have also been enjoying to exciting new experiences and life here in Fort Wayne.    Exciting to walk in faith and see where he is taking me in 2012!

Have a blessed week!