Radiating

I firmly believe God puts us in specific places at specific times to be used to RADIATE His glory.    This week has been harder as I start to miss my 'family' & 'friends' in Missouri and wonder HOW LONG I'll have to wait for things to be resolved here so that Greg and I can move forward with our future.     I sometimes tend to get caught up in the tomorrow instead of living in the here and now, the following excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot's book 'Let Me Be A Woman' on pg 31 sums up perfectly of where my heart needs to be:

"The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived -- not always looking forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner.   It is today for which we are responsible.   God still owns tomorrow'

This week as Greg and I were having our ups and downs in regards to the current situation of our lives we were reminded of God's purposes being carried out.     Greg is sitting in the B block of the county jail which if anything allows Greg to have plenty of time to be in prayer, reading the Word, and reading various books.

This afternoon a man on his block - John - came up to Greg and asked him if he would pray for him.    He told Greg I see you praying, reading your bible, and sharing scripture on the phone and that's why I want to ask you something... 'Will you pray for my wife and I to have restoration in our marriage and for our two sons.'     A perfect example of Christ radiating through Gregory.    He was humbled today as he called me this afternoon to ask that I pray for them as well:  John, Amanda, Zach, and Obadiah.    A similar situation happened a few days ago with another man on his block who is also a christian.    Greg and him were able to connect in their common Christian brotherhood and encourage one another.

These things are great reminders that even though I hate that he's stuck in there, God's bigger and he's moving through this situation.   

Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy!"

I'm BLESSED here today as I reflect back on 2011, blessed to be able to be where I'm at and be able to sit back and reflect on all the answered prayers.    I have no doubt that 2012 will come with even greater Glory and Radiance as I seek to take responsibility for each day I'm given.

Happy New Year!



Patient Endurance

Well... I'm here in Fort Wayne!  Hard to believe that this is really HOME for me now, still pinching myself over that one.   This picture portrays my thoughts / feelings very accurately:  

'Seriously?"  

'I moved across the country because that's where I think God is leading me?   

'Am I crazy????'   

Psalm 143:10 "Teach me to do your will, for you are my god.   may your gracious spirit lead me forward on firm footing."

I pray that I am indeed following God's directions as I live my life because I want Him to be my GPS as I move about this Earth.

So - the nuts and bolts of what's been going on....   I officially arrived in Fort Wayne on December 17th, so i've been here approximately 7 days (minus a mini trip home for Christmas in Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska).   I am living with Terri and Marty - 2 wonderful people who have graciously offered to allow me to live in their home with them for a few months.     I'm getting the royal treatment here ~ I'm still not sure how to react or respond to coming home to a home cooked meal and little to no responsibilities.    I've been so independent and self sufficient for so long, its hard to allow other people to do little things for me.     Needless to say, I'm being blessed by their warm hearts and generous spirits.     Their home sits in a retirement community, its a very nice home and I have my own fully furnished bedroom here.     It was an adjustment to go from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom with limited closet space, but less is more!    So far I've just been resting, relaxing, and hanging out with the family here.     Yesterday and today I worked on painting the girls bedrooms' at Greg's brothers house - you know me and my love for painting - so that has been fun.

Tonight has been my first opportunity to see Greg and it was a blessing.    Two minor incidents have arose in the past couple weeks that have Greg currently sitting in jail, so that was a huge blow to our original plans of being in support counseling sessions by now and having weekly visits together.   I do believe these minor setbacks are leading to something far greater, as we both feel like God is in control of this situation.   As long as Greg's heart is sold out for God and he is living his life with integrity, we both believe that good is going to come out of this situation.     I don't want to dive into details but just want to say that the judicial system is ridiculous.    The program Greg was in had some over the top rules, and because Greg stepped forward and accepted responsibility he was punished with time in jail.

One of my bestest friends made a comment too me a few weeks before I left Missouri about putting things in perspective between her current relationship struggles and my situation.   She said 'I didn't realize it, but I take for granted that I can see and spend everyday with my husband, and here I am complaining about not getting enough attention or time with him'.     The thought hadn't even crossed my mind of her situation compared to mine because for me this is reality, my face time with Greg is very limited.    I look forward to the day when Greg and I can have conversations longer than our restricted 15 min. phone calls, or scheduled visit times, but for now we endure this season patiently as we look forward to the future God has in store for us.

Revelation 14: 12 "Let this encourage God's holy people to endure persecution patiently and remain firm to the end, obeying his commands and trusting in Jesus."

Revelations 12:10 "The people who are destined for prison will be arrested and taken away......But do not be dismayed, for here is your opportunity to have endurance and faith."

So I challenge you with this - What is God calling you to patiently endure?    How can He use you where you are at?   Look around you, someone needs you to shine the light of Jesus to them so go and RADIATE!

LOVE THEM ANYWAY!

Ever been hurt by someone you care about, or maybe someone you don’t care much for at all……It’s hard at times to be ‘Christ like’ to everyone we encounter in our lives because we are human.     We hurt people…and people hurt us.     I would like to challenge you to LOVE THEM ANYWAY!!!!!     Christ loves everyone of us….. even that person you despise.    Think about it…. How could your love affect that person differently?    Maybe you just smile at them and tell them ‘have a nice day’…..  maybe it involves more action than that.      Just remember… Christ loves them…. How can you extend that love to them, how would Christ respond to those situations your facing??

Here’s my story….I apologize in advance for the LENGTH of this post, but so much to SHARE… and this doesn’t begin to cover it!!!

Back in May, my reaction to a letter I received from the USPS from Gregory at the Allen County Jail H block was to get on my knees and cry and ask 'Why me God?'    This letter contained deep feelings as Gregory asks the Lord to convey through the power of His Holy Spirit his heart as he shares his heart felt words of apology, love, and of appreciation to me.   The letter was powerful as he tells me nearly twenty times in those 7 pages how much he loves me, apologies for the way he has treated me, and tells me he wants a future with me.     So, you might be asking why the tears?     Who doesn't want to hear they are loved right?

Well this man, Greg, was someone who had left me wounded and broken almost a year earlier as I had chose to end our relationship after much fighting within myself between my desires of the mind and the battle with the Holy Spirit.    I had been struggling for months with God as he spoke to me through his Holy Word, convicting me through scriptures.    I realized Greg was not where I had thought he was at in his relationship with the Lord.     I liked him, even loved him, but realized after a few months into our relationship that he lacked the qualities I desired in a Godly man.    Signs kept popping up of his dishonesty to me, I'd confront him on these issues, he would deny my accusations and retreat away.   I fought this hard as I questioned if I was over analyzing and assuming things because of my lack of trust in him.    However, ultimately the truth became apparent.     He was drinking again.   He was lying to me and his family.    He was stealing.   He lost his job.   He was hanging with the wrong crowd.    He was hanging around other girls.    He was using drugs.   As I called him out on each of these situations, he denied my claims.     As much as I wanted to change him and help fix him,  I knew deep inside that I was not the one capable of doing that.   I had to let go.....  as hard as it was, I did that.     I was hurt, broken, sad, and upset at myself.   How could I have been so dumb and blind to get involved in such a crappy relationship?     Why God?    Why did he have to be the guy I fell for?

It's safe to say last summer I went through a time of grief, anger, sadness, and bitterness as I worked through my emotions toward Greg and the situation he put me through.   

During that time God drew me closer and closer to Him.   2010 was rough for me.    I lost my job a week after Greg moved back to Bethany in March.   My job was my life, I treasured my residents and was so proud of my accomplishments within the agency, but was also consumed by dealing with the constant crisis' I was responsible for as a boss and caretaker.      Looking back, loosing that job was AWESOME, and it was all part of God's perfect timing for me as it allowed me to focus strictly on Greg and I.     We both found work in April at the same job as odor monitors.   I had no idea what a blessing being a 'full time sniffer' would be, suddenly I had ample amounts of free time and no stress!   I started getting back into journaling, and pulled out my one year bible and started spending daily time reading.    As I read, God drew me into his Scriptures and I was hearing what he was speaking.     I became convicted and challenged in ways I had never felt before; I felt the 'living power' of His word  

        (Hebrews 4:12 'For the word of God is full of living power.  It is sharper than the sharpest 
        knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires.  It exposes us for what we really
        are'.)

During the summer and fall God continued helping me work through those emotions and feelings.   I learned and really realized the power of living your life in joyful obedience to Christ.    I also learned how powerful truly loving others can be, loving them the way Christ undeservingly loves you and me.    I also realized how powerful that love can be as you allow God to allow that to work through your life.    By Fall, I had moved past my relationship heartaches, forgiving Greg for the pain he had caused me, and excited about whatever paths God had in store for me.

 I got a job in Maryville managing a group home, explored new dating opportunities, but more importantly continued to draw closer to God on a deeper and more intimate level than I had ever realized was possible.    I would occasionally hear from Greg via facebook, or a phone call around the holidays, or when he was struggling with life.    At some point along the way I was able to communicate my forgiveness to him.    It didn't matter to me at that point if he was sorry or not, I just needed him to understand that I had forgiven him.    He asked me if I would still be his friend, I said of course.      So we talked occasionally.     I realized I had to stop judging him for his mistakes, but simply show him love in Christ.    I got involved in the ministry at Hope Royale (Greg's parent's ministry) helping with projects of repairs, assisting with fundraisers, designing flyers, anything to help further the vision.    I was excited to pour my desires to serve and love others into this ministry; so much of my free time was spent being involved there.    Through this involvement, I would hear disheartening updates on Greg and the path of destruction he was on with his life.    Greg was alone, broken, at times homeless, suicidal, and living only for his addictions.    

The times I would hear directly from Greg was usually calls from a man who had no hope, no desires for life, and at times suicidal.   It was depressing.     I remember several conversations with his family and parents as we struggled to understand his decisions, and honestly didn't think Greg would make it to see his next birthday.     I heard from Greg were few and far between, he had really been removed from my mind, however every time he was almost completely out of it something would bring him back into the picture.  

Without getting into all the muddy details - Greg was in and out of jail - mostly for charges of driving under the influence, failure to appear, and violation of parole.    I had heard that his family had 'enough' after several episodes of his poor decisions and had chosen to cut him out.    When I learned he was in jail, I decided I encourage him that there was hope, show him my friendship, and remind him of Christ's love.    So I wrote him the occasional letter, sometimes struggling with what to say and often times telling him the boring details of my job, stuff at Hope Royale, and life in Bethany.   

Shortly after his initial sentence, Greg was given the opportunity to go to a program, a new transitional modified therapy program that was designed for people who are repeat offenders with addiction issues, the Kelley House.    He  went.    This program was intense, he hated it, he preferred the freedoms of a jail cell to the intensity of group therapies.    The group therapies were tough as Greg was being challenged to open up, being called out in front of his peers, forced to confront his addiction issues, and participate in treatment.    Greg’s previous opportunities to be in rehab programs had proven to be unsuccessful as he would learn to cheat and manipulate the systems, just skirting through with what needed to be done, but never really growing or changing from the experiences.

I continued writing him at the Kelley House, trying to encourage him to see the positives of life.    I sent him books, often Christian books, and continued to share what God was teaching me, and how much God loved him.    I also dropped hints about God's forgiveness, living a life of obedience, and how exciting living a life with God’s hope was.    Greg started to open up a little more during the course of those few months he was at the Kelley House; I noted subtle changes in the depth and content of his writing as he started sharing more of his past life experiences and choices with me.    Growth was happening!

In May I get a phone call asking if I've seen or heard from Greg as he has escaped from the Kelley House.   I share how his last phone call had been 'odd' in that he had been very allusive by saying  'i'll see you soon' and chose not to respond when I asked 'what that was supposed to mean?'    This poor decision wound Greg right back in the Allen County jail for violation of his probation by leaving the program.   He was in hot poop, there was talk of a large sentence of many years behind bars.   When he called me the first thing I said was 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?'     His response 'I was coming to Missouri, I had to come home, had to see you, had to get out of here'.     I was so mad.    I wrote him a very lengthy letter following this conversation pointing out his stupidity in his decision and let him know he couldn't run from his problems forever as at some point he would have to deal with the reality of his life.  

As time passed and the waiting began, this reality of life behind bars set in for Greg, he realized he had really done something incredibly stupid.   He spent from May to August behind bars.    During that time I'm ecstatic to tell you that Gregory surrendered, I MEAN TRULY SURRENDERED his life To Christ.    

I was skeptical as he shared this heart transformation with me.   I didn't believe him, I felt like he was in a place where this was something convenient to say and probably what I and his family wanted to hear.   Through this time we continued communicating mostly via snail mail, and the occasional phone calls.    His letters were sweet, and talked about how God was moving through scriptures, but still I was not convinced he had a genuine transformation.   As his court dates would approach he would pray for his outcome, as he knew his hands were at the mercy of his judge and his lawyer.     I prayed God would work through whatever situation was best for Greg.     Low and behold he was blessed with a second chance to go back to the Kelley House.   I was excited for him!   Greg however didn't see this as a blessing as he knew what challenges and work the programs at the Kelley House meant for him.   He told me more than once he would rather stay in jail than have to be in the intense environment.     He didn't think he was capable of doing it.     I encouraged him to seek God, pray that God would put him in the situation that was best for him.     As we both prayed, he was given the opportunity to return into the house August 5th, 2011.  

Kelley house doesn’t allow outside communication for their residents the first thirty days upon entering the program, so we had no communication during that time.    I knew Greg had many fears about going back, the opposition he would face among the guys and staff, and the expectations that would be set before him.    I prayed for him:  I prayed for growth, prayed God would continue transforming his heart, and that God would place Godly men in his life.    I asked God to continue to show Greg his love.   

When September came along I planned my first trip to see Greg; I hadn’t seen him in person in over a year and several months.    I needed to see Greg for myself.    As I had said, I was skeptical about Gregory’s transformation and surrender to Christ because he has had such a history of deceit and manipulation.    I was wrong to doubt.    God showed me with my own eyes a man changed through His power!

Gregory looked me in the eyes and apologized for everything, admitted to his mistakes, affirmed his love for me, and told me he was committed to having a future with me.   Not only did I see in Greg's eyes a change, but also in his words, communication, and demeanor.    This wasn’t the same reclusive man I had been in a relationship with before.    To add to my confirmations of this true change in Greg I also got to talk to his therapist one on one.    She affirmed what I had felt in my heart by telling me that 'the Greg that is here today is not the same man that was in the program 3 months ago.   He is here for the right reasons, he wants to be here, he is saying things he wouldn't have been caught dead saying before in our group sessions!'  A stranger had seen a transformation in Greg as well!   As I sat through the required orientation class for visitors and learned more about the program, I became convinced that he was in the right place.    This wasn’t the typical rehab, this was an intense modified therapy program that wanted to create a community of brothers that hold each other accountable and build back up their natural supports among family and loved ones.      I walked away confident that this transformation was real, I also knew that I was committed to supporting Greg through it.

I don't know how else to sum up my story in any other way, there are so many intricate pieces to this puzzle.    I want to try to convey to you all how powerful God has moved in this past year.    One of my biggest prayer requests when I was suffering through my 'heartbreak' was that God would someday transform Greg's heart, no matter if I was a part of the transformation or completely gone from his life.   I prayed he would someday find the hope and joy of a life in Christ.    I'm here to tell you that God does answer prayer, and he has given me my own miracle to watch and be a part of.   

He's given me a Godly man who loves me more than I ever thought could be possible, someone who communicates deeply, and challenges me as I was meant to be challenged.   

So…..  I’ll finish with encouraging you to ‘love them anyway’ … God just might surprise you by the power of his love!

I'm moving!

Yes, it's true...   I am moving.... or rather a more accurate description may be that I'm getting out of the boat and taking steps of faith.     That's right, this move is not about me or what I think, but it is about moving because I feel God is leading me in this direction.  The confirmations that just keep pouring forth from my decision just continue to amaze me!    I sometimes have to pinch myself and say 'WOW GOD!'

I listed my house on the market on October 17, 2011.    Within an hour of my listing the house, my realtor asked to show it.    One week from the first showing I had my first offer on the table, October 24, 2011.    I counter offered the buyer, and they countered back, and on October 25, 2011 I accepted there offer.    Both of their offers were contingent on them selling their house within 30 days.    Which means basically if they are unable to sell their house, they cannot commit to the purchase.    Because of this contingency I could still 'show' my house to other potential buyers for those 30 days and if I received an offer, the buyers have 72hrs to come up with the funds.     Well - God 'AMAZED' me again as these potential buyers listed there house on October 24, 2011 and by October 26, 2011 they had sold their house.    This made my home sale 'official'.   I signed the paperwork on October 26, 2011 and I have to be moved out by December 5, 2011.  Count it folks .... that is 9 days!!!   My house sold in 9 days in this housing market!!!!    I even made a profit!!!   

To further my amazement I found out after the fact that my boyfriend had gotten on his knees and prayed on the night I listed my house that if God wanted me in Indiana he would sell my house in two weeks.   Greg asked God to sell my house in 2 weeks, he did it in 9 days!  

Oh yeah ... I said the B word... Boyfriend!   That is a whole other story in itself about the power of forgiveness, prayer, surrender, and the transformation of a heart through the power of God.  Expect another whole blog entry on how this came to pass.

Where am I moving?   Fort Wayne, Indiana.     I'm going to become a Hoosier!   Why there?   It's because of that B word - He asked me to come.     After much prayer and consideration I made this decision.   I know - as CRAZY as it sounds - and as much as I thought I would NEVER DO THIS in my life for a man - I am moving 8 and 1/2 hours due east of my current home in Bethay, MO.    Before you think I'm a nut job, please understand how I see it....   My current sniffing job is seasonal and will end in approximately 3-4 weeks, which means I will be unemployed come December 2nd.   Career wise, I feel like I don't have many options available anymore at my current location so either way my time in Bethany was drawing to a close.  When this idea of moving to Fort Wayne first came up, I considered it as a 'risk-free' opportunity to explore a future with the B word.   Risk free in that I was going to live for free with some of his relatives there, while maintaining my house in Missouri with a possible roommate, and when 'sniffing' season started back up again I could either move back or make a permanent move and THEN list my house.     Well, the roommate options were not panning out, and on Monday October 17th, 2011 I told myself... 'If I know that I don't want to stay in Bethany, MO long term, why wait to list my house'.    In my head I was thinking 'It could sit on the market for several months, so why wait?'     AND... HELLO... was I totally wrong about that .... 9 days later i was faced with the fact that 'I've SOLD my house!'

So I say it again.... WOW GOD!

To add to my 'WOW factor'  I have been job seeking online.   On October 27, 2011 I found a job posted online through a google search of 'developmental disability providers in Fort Wayne'.   A company called AWS or Anthony Wayne Services came up in my search, and I found their employment listings online.   To my delight, i found a Qualified Developmental Disability Professional position open (this is what my career title has been for the past six years) so I filled out the online application.    To follow up with my application I sent an email on friday night, October 28th to the four human resource contacts listed on their website.    In my email I explained how I was relocating to Fort Wayne, my experience, attached my resume, and shared if they felt I was a viable candidate that I would love to meet with them while I was in town October 31-November 2nd.   So, bright and early Monday morning October 31st my cell phone rings at 8:30am and it is Joy from human resources and she asks if I can come in for an interview the following morning.

November 1, 2011 I interview at 9am with Joy from HR.   During this interview she asks how long I will be in town and I say until Wednesday November 2nd.    She explains the 'normal' interview process and how they typically do 2nd interviews 2 weeks after the initial interview so they can get background checks back and check references, but given my situation of being in from out of state she will see what she can do.   She sends an email to Julie, the prospective boss of my position to see if she can meet with me while I'm in town.   She immediately responds back that she can see me at 1pm.     So I meet Julie at 1pm for my 2nd interview and I'm immediately excited because I connect with her personality right off the bat.    To my suprise her supervisor, Ann, who normally does the 3rd interview decides to sit in and join us.    The interview goes great and I feel completely comfortable with these two woman and am excited about the company.    They invite me to stick around and tour some of their facilities.   I leave there feeling confident about the company and also confident that I will be offered a position.

On November 3, 2011 one of my references tells me they have called her.   On November 4th at 8:30am I get a job offer.   I was a tad disappointed with the salary they offered, and am taking the 'weekend' to let them know, but its safe to let you all know that I will accept the job on November 7th.

So to recap in less than three weeks I have listed & sold my house, applied, interviewed, & been offered a job, and I have 29 days to get my house packed up!   For now I'll be putting my stuff in a storage unit here in Bethany.    I'll be moving in with my 'Boyfriend's sister-in-law's parents' in Fort Wayne.    If I like it there I will probably get my own apartment  in three to four month, but for now I'm going to save some money and enjoy the thrills of living in a new city.    Fort Wayne is the 2nd largest city in Indiana, comparable in size to Lincoln, NE.

Sorry that was a WORDY blog, but I want to share the extent of my journey these past 3 weeks.   I know I sound crazy, but I want each of you to know that this is me taking a step of faith.    I feel like as long as God is at the center of my decisions that I cannot be led astray.    

I would appreciate your prayers as I transition, as change is never easy!   I love my community here in Bethany, I've been blessed by so many wonderful friends here.   I'm also extremely BLESSED by being so close to all my amazing and dear college and high school friends.    I just want you all to know that I love and treasure EACH of you and am grateful for the blessings you have been to my life!  (as a side note: need to find homes (seperate would be best) for Jazzy Bessler & Simon Koeteman... let me know if you or you know of someone interested in taking in a loving feline).