Wanting His Will, Not Mine...

Lots of thoughts running through my head, as I try and figure out what I want to say.    I've had some very emotional low points these past couple of weeks, reaching points of sheer frustration and anger at the way things have been going ....   at work, at home, in my head....   Satan has definiately been pushing me down.    But I know, no matter what tricks Satan tries to play... I am going to come out the winner in the end.  

Psalm 33:4 'For the word of the Lord holds true, and EVERYTHING he does is worthy of our trust.'

I guess my low points started last weekend when every single time Greg called me, our conversations were filled with a static filled phone line.    When you are limited to those precious few minutes together on the phone, its really frustrating when that little bit of communication is taken away from you.     I was so mad and angry, and there was nothing I could do about it but pray.    Pray for this trial in my life, pray that I was able to have 1 clear conversation, pray for Greg.     You see... the past 2 weeks we have been playing the waiting game, not knowing when he was going to be transferred to the Reception Diagnostic Center in Plainfield.     All we knew was that they would come in the middle of the night to start processing him out of the county jail and get him transferred.   Once transferred he would under go psychiatric tests, etc... and they would review his records and determine placement of where he will serve out his remaining 7 and a 1/2 months of jail time.    Once he was gone - we knew we would not be able to talk from anywhere to a week to four weeks depending on how long it took to place him somewhere.     So... for two weeks we left the end of our phone calls with the thoughts that they could come and get him tonight.     Greg has actually been really excited about leaving, and looking forward to prison as suprisingly it is much better and more highly favored than the county jail.   Who knew?!     The Lord answered my prayers Monday night (after I had an emotional Sunday of bawling about my situation....) and I had an awesome, clear, and pleasant phone call with Greg.    I found out Tuesday afternoon that he was transferred out, which was an answer to our prayers as well.

Work has been a constant rollar coaster of events and issues popping up.    Staff getting sick, residents requiring trips to the doctor or emergency room, etc...   So that has added to my frustration levels.    Last Saturday I had to work a few hours, and got called on Sunday... and pretty much every night this week.     I definiately HATE being on call for work.     I've started to question if my 'sniffing' job has ruined be for life or if God is just preparing me for something more.    My job isn't satisfying me.     I mean I love my residents, and I'm GREAT at what I do in the field, but I just want MORE.    I think I mostly want a job that I can leave at work at the end of the day, or I want to be out pursuing my passions.     What that is..... God knows... not sure I even do yet... but I wouldn't be suprised if it involved impacted the Kingdom in some way.      I don't have much fruit in my life right now - I've been missing my 'community' of Bethany - my involvement in church, connections to people, physical proximity to loved ones.

The icing on the cake this week for me was thinking I had worked things out to 'roadtrip' back to Missouri / Nebraska with Jason/Alicia on Thursday for the weekend (they had to head to Omaha for a funeral).    I had everything worked out, and then Wednesday afternoon I learn that we had nobody to be 'on call' for my job as my co-partner manager had a show Friday evening, my boss was booked covering two other houses, and the other girl I asked couldn't do it either.    Just when I thought I was going to get a ray of light and be rejuvinated by my spending some quality time with my loved ones I have that door shut.   Bummed....  I was totally disappointed and frustrated.       Perhaps though... time alone is just what I've needed to recharge my batteries.     I've had the house to myself since Tuesday, and a 2nd house to myself since Thursday (plus 2 dogs)....   So I've taken full advantage to having the spaces to spread out, crank up some tunes, and take a refreshing bubble bath.     It's been good to have my own space again, I forgot how much I enjoy my own time.    So.... despite my desires for community, God's given me solitude and time to sit and relax in His presence.    Just what I needed.   

Still working on the 'forming connections' here in Indiana's piece of the puzzle.   I had to miss my Life group's first meeting Thursday night because I was stuck at the hospital dealing with work.   Its hard to form relationships when work interferes with developing those connections.

Another thought running through my head is 'this is only temporary' so why set down roots?   In my mind, I've already started counting down the approximate length of time I'll be living here in Indiana.    That's right... this was a short term move.     Greg and I want to be back living in the Kansas City / Nebraska area by next April'ish',  after we are married.     Yes.... married... we are looking at Jan/Feb of 2013 to become husband and wife.     If Greg would have it his way, we'd be married sooner, but we will see where God has us.      

I know to many of you I probably sound extreme and lost, but all I can tell you is that God is guiding my heart.    Crazy Faith ~  sometimes you gotta jump and just TRUST the voice telling you to DO IT.    I can't deny that God wanted me here in Indiana, but at times my current perspective is clouded by all the road blocks that have been put up since arriving.    

My prayers have often been that God hear the desires of my heart, and let MY desires be in line with HIS WILL.    I know God desires to give us those dreams we have, but those are not always what He knows is best for us from His perspective.     Today as I was reading in Matthew, this verse stood out to me:   

         Matt 26:39 'He went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground, praying "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.    Yet I WANT YOUR WILL, NOT MINE....." '

This was Jesus' praying before he went to suffer for All of us on the cross.    Prostrate before the Lord he begs for the possibilities to not go through what he is about to go through, but still he knows his Father knows what is best.      Even though I have my desires, and I hate this time of 'waiting' and seperation, I know My Father knows what is best for me.    I DO want His Will and I do trust my Father.

Pam... will write soon.... please be patient.

Pam told me yesterday I needed update so she could continue to staulk me....    well ....  thanks for the encouragement Pam, I was beginning to believe nobody was reading my posts.   

So..... just so you know - I appreciate the comments and feedback, even if you are just out to staulk me.

New post coming soon... hoping to have some time tomorrow to sit down and fill you in on the lastest scoop.    For now... I gotta be up at 5am, so I'm choosing to catch some ZZzzz's.     Night ya'll - and God Bless!