Here’s my story….I apologize in advance for the LENGTH of this post, but so much to SHARE… and this doesn’t begin to cover it!!!
Back in May, my reaction to a letter I received from the USPS from Gregory at the Allen County Jail H block was to get on my knees and cry and ask 'Why me God?' This letter contained deep feelings as Gregory asks the Lord to convey through the power of His Holy Spirit his heart as he shares his heart felt words of apology, love, and of appreciation to me. The letter was powerful as he tells me nearly twenty times in those 7 pages how much he loves me, apologies for the way he has treated me, and tells me he wants a future with me. So, you might be asking why the tears? Who doesn't want to hear they are loved right?
Well this man, Greg, was someone who had left me wounded and broken almost a year earlier as I had chose to end our relationship after much fighting within myself between my desires of the mind and the battle with the Holy Spirit. I had been struggling for months with God as he spoke to me through his Holy Word, convicting me through scriptures. I realized Greg was not where I had thought he was at in his relationship with the Lord. I liked him, even loved him, but realized after a few months into our relationship that he lacked the qualities I desired in a Godly man. Signs kept popping up of his dishonesty to me, I'd confront him on these issues, he would deny my accusations and retreat away. I fought this hard as I questioned if I was over analyzing and assuming things because of my lack of trust in him. However, ultimately the truth became apparent. He was drinking again. He was lying to me and his family. He was stealing. He lost his job. He was hanging with the wrong crowd. He was hanging around other girls. He was using drugs. As I called him out on each of these situations, he denied my claims. As much as I wanted to change him and help fix him, I knew deep inside that I was not the one capable of doing that. I had to let go..... as hard as it was, I did that. I was hurt, broken, sad, and upset at myself. How could I have been so dumb and blind to get involved in such a crappy relationship? Why God? Why did he have to be the guy I fell for?
It's safe to say last summer I went through a time of grief, anger, sadness, and bitterness as I worked through my emotions toward Greg and the situation he put me through.
During that time God drew me closer and closer to Him. 2010 was rough for me. I lost my job a week after Greg moved back to Bethany in March. My job was my life, I treasured my residents and was so proud of my accomplishments within the agency, but was also consumed by dealing with the constant crisis' I was responsible for as a boss and caretaker. Looking back, loosing that job was AWESOME, and it was all part of God's perfect timing for me as it allowed me to focus strictly on Greg and I. We both found work in April at the same job as odor monitors. I had no idea what a blessing being a 'full time sniffer' would be, suddenly I had ample amounts of free time and no stress! I started getting back into journaling, and pulled out my one year bible and started spending daily time reading. As I read, God drew me into his Scriptures and I was hearing what he was speaking. I became convicted and challenged in ways I had never felt before; I felt the 'living power' of His word
(Hebrews 4:12 'For the word of God is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest
knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really
are'.)
During the summer and fall God continued helping me work through those emotions and feelings. I learned and really realized the power of living your life in joyful obedience to Christ. I also learned how powerful truly loving others can be, loving them the way Christ undeservingly loves you and me. I also realized how powerful that love can be as you allow God to allow that to work through your life. By Fall, I had moved past my relationship heartaches, forgiving Greg for the pain he had caused me, and excited about whatever paths God had in store for me.
I got a job in Maryville managing a group home, explored new dating opportunities, but more importantly continued to draw closer to God on a deeper and more intimate level than I had ever realized was possible. I would occasionally hear from Greg via facebook, or a phone call around the holidays, or when he was struggling with life. At some point along the way I was able to communicate my forgiveness to him. It didn't matter to me at that point if he was sorry or not, I just needed him to understand that I had forgiven him. He asked me if I would still be his friend, I said of course. So we talked occasionally. I realized I had to stop judging him for his mistakes, but simply show him love in Christ. I got involved in the ministry at Hope Royale (Greg's parent's ministry) helping with projects of repairs, assisting with fundraisers, designing flyers, anything to help further the vision. I was excited to pour my desires to serve and love others into this ministry; so much of my free time was spent being involved there. Through this involvement, I would hear disheartening updates on Greg and the path of destruction he was on with his life. Greg was alone, broken, at times homeless, suicidal, and living only for his addictions.
The times I would hear directly from Greg was usually calls from a man who had no hope, no desires for life, and at times suicidal. It was depressing. I remember several conversations with his family and parents as we struggled to understand his decisions, and honestly didn't think Greg would make it to see his next birthday. I heard from Greg were few and far between, he had really been removed from my mind, however every time he was almost completely out of it something would bring him back into the picture.
Without getting into all the muddy details - Greg was in and out of jail - mostly for charges of driving under the influence, failure to appear, and violation of parole. I had heard that his family had 'enough' after several episodes of his poor decisions and had chosen to cut him out. When I learned he was in jail, I decided I encourage him that there was hope, show him my friendship, and remind him of Christ's love. So I wrote him the occasional letter, sometimes struggling with what to say and often times telling him the boring details of my job, stuff at Hope Royale, and life in Bethany.
Shortly after his initial sentence, Greg was given the opportunity to go to a program, a new transitional modified therapy program that was designed for people who are repeat offenders with addiction issues, the Kelley House. He went. This program was intense, he hated it, he preferred the freedoms of a jail cell to the intensity of group therapies. The group therapies were tough as Greg was being challenged to open up, being called out in front of his peers, forced to confront his addiction issues, and participate in treatment. Greg’s previous opportunities to be in rehab programs had proven to be unsuccessful as he would learn to cheat and manipulate the systems, just skirting through with what needed to be done, but never really growing or changing from the experiences.
I continued writing him at the Kelley House, trying to encourage him to see the positives of life. I sent him books, often Christian books, and continued to share what God was teaching me, and how much God loved him. I also dropped hints about God's forgiveness, living a life of obedience, and how exciting living a life with God’s hope was. Greg started to open up a little more during the course of those few months he was at the Kelley House; I noted subtle changes in the depth and content of his writing as he started sharing more of his past life experiences and choices with me. Growth was happening!
In May I get a phone call asking if I've seen or heard from Greg as he has escaped from the Kelley House. I share how his last phone call had been 'odd' in that he had been very allusive by saying 'i'll see you soon' and chose not to respond when I asked 'what that was supposed to mean?' This poor decision wound Greg right back in the Allen County jail for violation of his probation by leaving the program. He was in hot poop, there was talk of a large sentence of many years behind bars. When he called me the first thing I said was 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?' His response 'I was coming to Missouri, I had to come home, had to see you, had to get out of here'. I was so mad. I wrote him a very lengthy letter following this conversation pointing out his stupidity in his decision and let him know he couldn't run from his problems forever as at some point he would have to deal with the reality of his life.
As time passed and the waiting began, this reality of life behind bars set in for Greg, he realized he had really done something incredibly stupid. He spent from May to August behind bars. During that time I'm ecstatic to tell you that Gregory surrendered, I MEAN TRULY SURRENDERED his life To Christ.
I was skeptical as he shared this heart transformation with me. I didn't believe him, I felt like he was in a place where this was something convenient to say and probably what I and his family wanted to hear. Through this time we continued communicating mostly via snail mail, and the occasional phone calls. His letters were sweet, and talked about how God was moving through scriptures, but still I was not convinced he had a genuine transformation. As his court dates would approach he would pray for his outcome, as he knew his hands were at the mercy of his judge and his lawyer. I prayed God would work through whatever situation was best for Greg. Low and behold he was blessed with a second chance to go back to the Kelley House. I was excited for him! Greg however didn't see this as a blessing as he knew what challenges and work the programs at the Kelley House meant for him. He told me more than once he would rather stay in jail than have to be in the intense environment. He didn't think he was capable of doing it. I encouraged him to seek God, pray that God would put him in the situation that was best for him. As we both prayed, he was given the opportunity to return into the house August 5th, 2011.
Kelley house doesn’t allow outside communication for their residents the first thirty days upon entering the program, so we had no communication during that time. I knew Greg had many fears about going back, the opposition he would face among the guys and staff, and the expectations that would be set before him. I prayed for him: I prayed for growth, prayed God would continue transforming his heart, and that God would place Godly men in his life. I asked God to continue to show Greg his love.
When September came along I planned my first trip to see Greg; I hadn’t seen him in person in over a year and several months. I needed to see Greg for myself. As I had said, I was skeptical about Gregory’s transformation and surrender to Christ because he has had such a history of deceit and manipulation. I was wrong to doubt. God showed me with my own eyes a man changed through His power!
Gregory looked me in the eyes and apologized for everything, admitted to his mistakes, affirmed his love for me, and told me he was committed to having a future with me. Not only did I see in Greg's eyes a change, but also in his words, communication, and demeanor. This wasn’t the same reclusive man I had been in a relationship with before. To add to my confirmations of this true change in Greg I also got to talk to his therapist one on one. She affirmed what I had felt in my heart by telling me that 'the Greg that is here today is not the same man that was in the program 3 months ago. He is here for the right reasons, he wants to be here, he is saying things he wouldn't have been caught dead saying before in our group sessions!' A stranger had seen a transformation in Greg as well! As I sat through the required orientation class for visitors and learned more about the program, I became convinced that he was in the right place. This wasn’t the typical rehab, this was an intense modified therapy program that wanted to create a community of brothers that hold each other accountable and build back up their natural supports among family and loved ones. I walked away confident that this transformation was real, I also knew that I was committed to supporting Greg through it.
I don't know how else to sum up my story in any other way, there are so many intricate pieces to this puzzle. I want to try to convey to you all how powerful God has moved in this past year. One of my biggest prayer requests when I was suffering through my 'heartbreak' was that God would someday transform Greg's heart, no matter if I was a part of the transformation or completely gone from his life. I prayed he would someday find the hope and joy of a life in Christ. I'm here to tell you that God does answer prayer, and he has given me my own miracle to watch and be a part of.
He's given me a Godly man who loves me more than I ever thought could be possible, someone who communicates deeply, and challenges me as I was meant to be challenged.
So….. I’ll finish with encouraging you to ‘love them anyway’ … God just might surprise you by the power of his love!
