Finding myself

Hi!   It's me... it's been a long break, but I think I'm ready to start sharing my heart again.      Have any of you ever been in a valley?    I've been in the trenches for months, will let's just say probably for over a year!  In the past 3 months I have began living for me again starting with talking care of me.    You know how hard it is to take care of yourself when you care so deeply for those around you?    This was me last Monday.   It was a really GOOD day, one I was dreading and praying over for months.     I am smiling.... smiles have been very rare in the past several months... I had become one of those ugly CHRISTIANS who definitely did not exude Christ.    I allowed myself to build up walls around me and I allowed Satan to take my joy.   Life got HARD, people hurt me and I went through the gamete of emotions.    Feeling abandoned, grief, anger, resentful, and wanting to harm myself.... I just wanted to quit life.  

So what happened to Joyful Jenna?    Our ugly world happened, addiction flared up, friends quit talking to me, my husband made some mistakes, I let those wounds start to fester and grow and quit taking care of me.    My marriage became so toxic, we couldn't stand to be in a room together without having something cause things to blow up.    My husband's alcohol addiction was taking over and I was allowing his behavior to control me.    I didn't like the choices he was making, the way he made me feel, and the loss of control.   I had become so 'controlling' over everything as that was the only way I knew how to maintain balance in my life.

I am good at control and planning.    God gave me the gift of organization and leadership and that's why I've been so successful in my professional life being in managerial positions since college.   What I wasn't good with was trusting God... NO MATTER WHAT.    When the fire came to purify me... I was not good with the testing.

My husband, Gregory, and I are pictured below.    This is the first time we have spent time together in 3 months and it was the BEST day I've had in awhile.    Gregory walked out of my life July 22, 2015 after I set some hard boundaries.     We had not seen each other for 88 days; during that time we spoke off and on and ran the gamete of hateful conversations and loving endearments.   I've hated him, wished I had never met him, and been ready to move on with my life.    I even had the do it yourself divorce papers filled out and in his hands for awhile now.    When he initially left I felt I needed to 'do something' right away to fix this and move on.   A wise mentor advised me to do nothing except take care of me and get myself healthy.    So that's what I've been doing.    I've been eating better, getting counseling, doing fun things for me, and devoting myself to praying this season of my life out.   

During Gregory and I's separation I told my husband he could not come home until he chose to get long term Christ based treatment in a program called Teen Challenge.    I've set the line. I believe Satan wants nothing more than to see this marriage destroyed.    I BELIEVE that God has a ministry for my husband if he would CHOOSE to commit himself fully to the Lord and get sobriety from his addiction.     However, I recognize that I cannot make my husband CHOOSE GOD.   It's been heart wrenching thinking my marriage may be over and to consider giving up on a man that I see has so much potential.     This man has caused me so much pain.    Anyone who knows our story looking in would tell me to RUN, I've given my husband more grace and forgiveness than anyone deserves.    I believe the Lord has been pressing upon me to go against society's norm and trust Him.    The world by all means says get a divorce, move on with your life, you are still young, you'll meet someone else, etc..  I've heard it all.    God's telling me he's not done yet.    I believe there is hope in what I have felt was a hopeless situation.

Will you pray for me in this journey?   Specifically I am praying for the following:

-An open date at Teen Challenge in Springfield, MO sooner than January 1.   Greg has his application in and was told that he is on the wait list and it would likely be January before anything would be available.

-Shelter and warmth for my husband.   He currently sleeps on the streets in Columbus, IN

-Finances- Greg is working currently to save for admission to teen challenge, $1200.

-Keep all tempters from my husband's path, surrounding him with Godly encouragers.

-Healthy thoughts for me and deepened friendships here in my community.

'Don't get tired of doing good, at just the right time you will reap a blessing if you don't give up.' Galations 6:9 (Expect a miracle, sometimes your miracle will come at the last minute!)

Life Sucks Sometimes.... A Lot!

I've had an itch to write for the past couple of weeks.... considering its been 2 years, i think its time i get back into my writing groove.

I've always been pretty blunt and honest about life, and this is going to be no different.   2014 has to classify as one of the worst years of my life.    I've hurt deeper than I ever thought was possible.    'There will be trials in this world' is an understatement:   Addictions, An Affair, Doubt, Hate, Bitterness, Anger, Fear, Finances, Friendships, Emotions, Suicide...

I think the biggest hurt of everything I've been through is the fact that I've felt abandoned by some of the people I love and care about the most in my greatest hour of need.   This past year I needed people to be there for me.    I've always thought of myself as someone who would go to the end of the world for someone who was in need.    For whatever reason... that wasn't the case for me this past year.   I've felt more alone that I ever have.   It appeared at times people didn't know how to talk to me about what I was going through, so instead of talking to me, they didn't, or they avoided the subject.     One of our deepest human desires is to be important and heard.      I've contemplated everything from suicide, divorce, cheating, bankruptcy, and many other things....wondering at times why I've been put in such a situation.    However - God has been faithful, speaking to me in my darkest hours, encouraging me, and loving me when I'm unlovable.

Things are looking up through counseling, impatient treatments, prayer, and putting one foot in front of the other.   I'm not proud of a lot of things.... and my self worth is lower than its ever been.    I've gained about 50lbs and feel miserable about myself.    I know through God I have power over all the dark things of this world, all the temptations Satan lays before our culture, and I am claiming victory over it all!   God is much bigger than my mess or your mess, just keep swimming.

2015 - I want my joy back!   I want to live fearlessly and love more.   I want to love the people that hurt me most and don't want anyone to feel forgotten.   We are IMPORTANT and We matter.   Remember that.... when it feels like nobody does... God knows and God cares about you and your mess.

In conclusion, i think technology is killing our society.    We are so caught up in living in our busy life behind technology screens that we forget to get real and personal people.    Take a risk and have real conversations.     Quit stalking your friends on facebook - go have coffee or lunch with them instead.   Make an effort.   People need each other.     We need to turn off our phones and computers and look people in the eyes.    Go make someone feel valued today.