Finding myself

Hi!   It's me... it's been a long break, but I think I'm ready to start sharing my heart again.      Have any of you ever been in a valley?    I've been in the trenches for months, will let's just say probably for over a year!  In the past 3 months I have began living for me again starting with talking care of me.    You know how hard it is to take care of yourself when you care so deeply for those around you?    This was me last Monday.   It was a really GOOD day, one I was dreading and praying over for months.     I am smiling.... smiles have been very rare in the past several months... I had become one of those ugly CHRISTIANS who definitely did not exude Christ.    I allowed myself to build up walls around me and I allowed Satan to take my joy.   Life got HARD, people hurt me and I went through the gamete of emotions.    Feeling abandoned, grief, anger, resentful, and wanting to harm myself.... I just wanted to quit life.  

So what happened to Joyful Jenna?    Our ugly world happened, addiction flared up, friends quit talking to me, my husband made some mistakes, I let those wounds start to fester and grow and quit taking care of me.    My marriage became so toxic, we couldn't stand to be in a room together without having something cause things to blow up.    My husband's alcohol addiction was taking over and I was allowing his behavior to control me.    I didn't like the choices he was making, the way he made me feel, and the loss of control.   I had become so 'controlling' over everything as that was the only way I knew how to maintain balance in my life.

I am good at control and planning.    God gave me the gift of organization and leadership and that's why I've been so successful in my professional life being in managerial positions since college.   What I wasn't good with was trusting God... NO MATTER WHAT.    When the fire came to purify me... I was not good with the testing.

My husband, Gregory, and I are pictured below.    This is the first time we have spent time together in 3 months and it was the BEST day I've had in awhile.    Gregory walked out of my life July 22, 2015 after I set some hard boundaries.     We had not seen each other for 88 days; during that time we spoke off and on and ran the gamete of hateful conversations and loving endearments.   I've hated him, wished I had never met him, and been ready to move on with my life.    I even had the do it yourself divorce papers filled out and in his hands for awhile now.    When he initially left I felt I needed to 'do something' right away to fix this and move on.   A wise mentor advised me to do nothing except take care of me and get myself healthy.    So that's what I've been doing.    I've been eating better, getting counseling, doing fun things for me, and devoting myself to praying this season of my life out.   

During Gregory and I's separation I told my husband he could not come home until he chose to get long term Christ based treatment in a program called Teen Challenge.    I've set the line. I believe Satan wants nothing more than to see this marriage destroyed.    I BELIEVE that God has a ministry for my husband if he would CHOOSE to commit himself fully to the Lord and get sobriety from his addiction.     However, I recognize that I cannot make my husband CHOOSE GOD.   It's been heart wrenching thinking my marriage may be over and to consider giving up on a man that I see has so much potential.     This man has caused me so much pain.    Anyone who knows our story looking in would tell me to RUN, I've given my husband more grace and forgiveness than anyone deserves.    I believe the Lord has been pressing upon me to go against society's norm and trust Him.    The world by all means says get a divorce, move on with your life, you are still young, you'll meet someone else, etc..  I've heard it all.    God's telling me he's not done yet.    I believe there is hope in what I have felt was a hopeless situation.

Will you pray for me in this journey?   Specifically I am praying for the following:

-An open date at Teen Challenge in Springfield, MO sooner than January 1.   Greg has his application in and was told that he is on the wait list and it would likely be January before anything would be available.

-Shelter and warmth for my husband.   He currently sleeps on the streets in Columbus, IN

-Finances- Greg is working currently to save for admission to teen challenge, $1200.

-Keep all tempters from my husband's path, surrounding him with Godly encouragers.

-Healthy thoughts for me and deepened friendships here in my community.

'Don't get tired of doing good, at just the right time you will reap a blessing if you don't give up.' Galations 6:9 (Expect a miracle, sometimes your miracle will come at the last minute!)