Finding myself

Hi!   It's me... it's been a long break, but I think I'm ready to start sharing my heart again.      Have any of you ever been in a valley?    I've been in the trenches for months, will let's just say probably for over a year!  In the past 3 months I have began living for me again starting with talking care of me.    You know how hard it is to take care of yourself when you care so deeply for those around you?    This was me last Monday.   It was a really GOOD day, one I was dreading and praying over for months.     I am smiling.... smiles have been very rare in the past several months... I had become one of those ugly CHRISTIANS who definitely did not exude Christ.    I allowed myself to build up walls around me and I allowed Satan to take my joy.   Life got HARD, people hurt me and I went through the gamete of emotions.    Feeling abandoned, grief, anger, resentful, and wanting to harm myself.... I just wanted to quit life.  

So what happened to Joyful Jenna?    Our ugly world happened, addiction flared up, friends quit talking to me, my husband made some mistakes, I let those wounds start to fester and grow and quit taking care of me.    My marriage became so toxic, we couldn't stand to be in a room together without having something cause things to blow up.    My husband's alcohol addiction was taking over and I was allowing his behavior to control me.    I didn't like the choices he was making, the way he made me feel, and the loss of control.   I had become so 'controlling' over everything as that was the only way I knew how to maintain balance in my life.

I am good at control and planning.    God gave me the gift of organization and leadership and that's why I've been so successful in my professional life being in managerial positions since college.   What I wasn't good with was trusting God... NO MATTER WHAT.    When the fire came to purify me... I was not good with the testing.

My husband, Gregory, and I are pictured below.    This is the first time we have spent time together in 3 months and it was the BEST day I've had in awhile.    Gregory walked out of my life July 22, 2015 after I set some hard boundaries.     We had not seen each other for 88 days; during that time we spoke off and on and ran the gamete of hateful conversations and loving endearments.   I've hated him, wished I had never met him, and been ready to move on with my life.    I even had the do it yourself divorce papers filled out and in his hands for awhile now.    When he initially left I felt I needed to 'do something' right away to fix this and move on.   A wise mentor advised me to do nothing except take care of me and get myself healthy.    So that's what I've been doing.    I've been eating better, getting counseling, doing fun things for me, and devoting myself to praying this season of my life out.   

During Gregory and I's separation I told my husband he could not come home until he chose to get long term Christ based treatment in a program called Teen Challenge.    I've set the line. I believe Satan wants nothing more than to see this marriage destroyed.    I BELIEVE that God has a ministry for my husband if he would CHOOSE to commit himself fully to the Lord and get sobriety from his addiction.     However, I recognize that I cannot make my husband CHOOSE GOD.   It's been heart wrenching thinking my marriage may be over and to consider giving up on a man that I see has so much potential.     This man has caused me so much pain.    Anyone who knows our story looking in would tell me to RUN, I've given my husband more grace and forgiveness than anyone deserves.    I believe the Lord has been pressing upon me to go against society's norm and trust Him.    The world by all means says get a divorce, move on with your life, you are still young, you'll meet someone else, etc..  I've heard it all.    God's telling me he's not done yet.    I believe there is hope in what I have felt was a hopeless situation.

Will you pray for me in this journey?   Specifically I am praying for the following:

-An open date at Teen Challenge in Springfield, MO sooner than January 1.   Greg has his application in and was told that he is on the wait list and it would likely be January before anything would be available.

-Shelter and warmth for my husband.   He currently sleeps on the streets in Columbus, IN

-Finances- Greg is working currently to save for admission to teen challenge, $1200.

-Keep all tempters from my husband's path, surrounding him with Godly encouragers.

-Healthy thoughts for me and deepened friendships here in my community.

'Don't get tired of doing good, at just the right time you will reap a blessing if you don't give up.' Galations 6:9 (Expect a miracle, sometimes your miracle will come at the last minute!)

Life Sucks Sometimes.... A Lot!

I've had an itch to write for the past couple of weeks.... considering its been 2 years, i think its time i get back into my writing groove.

I've always been pretty blunt and honest about life, and this is going to be no different.   2014 has to classify as one of the worst years of my life.    I've hurt deeper than I ever thought was possible.    'There will be trials in this world' is an understatement:   Addictions, An Affair, Doubt, Hate, Bitterness, Anger, Fear, Finances, Friendships, Emotions, Suicide...

I think the biggest hurt of everything I've been through is the fact that I've felt abandoned by some of the people I love and care about the most in my greatest hour of need.   This past year I needed people to be there for me.    I've always thought of myself as someone who would go to the end of the world for someone who was in need.    For whatever reason... that wasn't the case for me this past year.   I've felt more alone that I ever have.   It appeared at times people didn't know how to talk to me about what I was going through, so instead of talking to me, they didn't, or they avoided the subject.     One of our deepest human desires is to be important and heard.      I've contemplated everything from suicide, divorce, cheating, bankruptcy, and many other things....wondering at times why I've been put in such a situation.    However - God has been faithful, speaking to me in my darkest hours, encouraging me, and loving me when I'm unlovable.

Things are looking up through counseling, impatient treatments, prayer, and putting one foot in front of the other.   I'm not proud of a lot of things.... and my self worth is lower than its ever been.    I've gained about 50lbs and feel miserable about myself.    I know through God I have power over all the dark things of this world, all the temptations Satan lays before our culture, and I am claiming victory over it all!   God is much bigger than my mess or your mess, just keep swimming.

2015 - I want my joy back!   I want to live fearlessly and love more.   I want to love the people that hurt me most and don't want anyone to feel forgotten.   We are IMPORTANT and We matter.   Remember that.... when it feels like nobody does... God knows and God cares about you and your mess.

In conclusion, i think technology is killing our society.    We are so caught up in living in our busy life behind technology screens that we forget to get real and personal people.    Take a risk and have real conversations.     Quit stalking your friends on facebook - go have coffee or lunch with them instead.   Make an effort.   People need each other.     We need to turn off our phones and computers and look people in the eyes.    Go make someone feel valued today. 

  

Specific prayers to God

How many of you go to God with specific requests?

God continues to BLOW me away with his answers to my prayer requests.

You see, last week Greg and I were hit with a bombshell as we started out our new year.

Last October we put in for a transfer for Greg's parole to be moved to Missouri - at that time were told it takes 45 days to process - so Greg was given a travel pass from his parole officer as we started to transition back to Missouri for our wedding and seek out employment opportunities.    On January 2nd, Greg and his mom went to meet with the parole officer in Bethany as we had gotten word that she had received the transfer papers.   We discovered that Greg's transfer had finially come through - 3 months later - but for her to accept the transfer - Greg had to be living in Bethany.

This was a shock to our system since God had closed all the other doors for us when we were in the job search process and I took the only job offer we had in Lawrence, KS.      In our minds it appeared God wanted us in Kansas.

So now here we sit - in the midst of a lease that goes through July 31st.   Greg living in Bethany and me working in Lawrence at a job that I am highly disliking.    Greg and I decided we wanted to transition to Bethany, our only obstacles being our lease and employment opportunities.

So - insert my prayer requests -

Here is my journal entry from Wednesday evening:
"Lord - I am asking you for a very specific request. Can you send us a subleaser by the end of January? I so want to be with Greg, without the financial burden of our lease here - Please :) -- I trust your plan - but want you to know the desires of my heart. Please!"
'
Thursday morning I woke up EARLY for some reason and was wide awake so I decided to take that time and get into my daily reading:

I read Genesis 23:1-24:51 - God seemed to specifically speak from the story in chapter 24:1-51 which is the story of when Abraham sends his servant back to his home country to find a wife for his son Isaac.

 

 What stood out to me is that in this story is that  the servant prayed very specifically in his prayers to God

In Genesis 24, vs 12 "O Lord, God of my master', he prayed. "Give me success and show kindness to my master, Abraham. Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey."

 

In verse 14 the servant shares with God his very specific request "I will ask one of them for a drink. If she says 'yes certainly, and I will water your camels too!' let her be the one you have appointed to be Isaac's wife.'

 

Then we see in verses 18 and 19 that God answer the servant's prayers.

 

As we continue reading in Verse 21 'The servant watched her in silence, wondering whether or not she was the one the Lord intended him to meet.'

 

It is amazing how even when God directly answered the servant's VERY SPECIFIC prayer the servant didn't recognize it or believe it right away. We so often question God's power to answer our requests, why do we ever doubt God's power?

 

As I continued reading Thursday morning, I pulled out my Joyce Meyer devotinal and read the following:

 

"Remember to pray with the same passion and intimacy that you reserve for your closest friends."

 

The following scripture verses were also included with this devotion:  

Hebrews 4:16 'Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.'

 

I feel like Thursday the Lord was telling & teaching me it is okay to come to Him and ask boldy and specifically in our prayer requests. 

 

My specific prayer request was for a subleaser for our apartment by the end of this month.

 

Today I got an email from a man looking for a first floor apartment that meets his handicapped needs.  We've been corresponding throughout the day via email and a phone call.  He has an incredible story of hardship and healing that he has briefly shared with us, and everything seems to point to him being prepared to sign a lease on our place on Monday.    It's not a done deal yet, but I cannot deny that God has yet again answered my VERY SPECIFIC request that I've placed at his feet.    On Monday I will be able to tell you the rest of the story, as he plans to come see the property and visit with the office.

 

As a believer  I want to be able to recognize and boldly proclaim when the Lord answers my prayers just as the servant does in verses 48-49 of Genesis 24.

 

To finish off my reading from Thursday the Lord had this verse for me:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths."

-Proverbs 3: 5-6

 

I challenge anyone reading this to ask yourself if you are seeking His will and allowing Him to direct your paths?    Are you intimately speaking to your Father and laying your specific requests before Him?    Nothing is too big for our God!    His answers may suprise us and may be better than we can ever ask or imagine for ourselves.

Marriage, Moving, and My Master

My desire has been to sit down several times and update this, as I enjoy writing and find it as a therapeutic reflection of life.    That being said - I intend to be better at writing more frequently.   We finially got internet a few weeks back at our home, so that makes my accessibility to blogging so much easier!

 

October 20th, 2012 brought us an absolutely gorgeous fall day.    We had rehearsal the night before and we were all wearing coats, sweatshirts, etc .... as it was extremely cold and windy out on the hillside where we had the ceremony; and we all doubted whether or not we would be having this outdoor ceremony the next day.    But.... as always... My Master is Faithful in answering my prayers!

 

The weeks leading up to the wedding were filled with lots of joy, stress, and pain.    We made the decison to move back to Bethany a few weeks prior to the wedding day to help alleviate some of the stress of long distance planning and also assist with me finding a local job.    On October 5 we loaded up our Budget truck and drove from Fort Wayne to Bethany.    

 

Those next few weeks were filled with lots of misc. items.   I had several interviews in the Kansas City area, one in Cameron, one in Bethany, etc...   Greg and I had decided we would move where I got a job, and then he would job search from there.   Our hope was to be in the Kansas City area as it was close to friends and close enough to both of our families.     Counting them up I had at least 10 interviews with 8 different facilities:  most of them were in the field of developmental disabilities, one was running a women's shelter, and a third was a job at the local hospital.    I was running all over to dodge!   Our prayers throughout this time was that God would open up the doors he wanted us to take and guide us into our next move.    The week of the wedding I had 5 interviews, 3 on Monday and 2 second interviews on the day of the wedding rehearsal.   One such company, Community Living Opportunities based in Lenexa wanted to interview me for a position they had open in Lawrence, KS.    Even though Lawrence, KS was not on Greg and I'd radar we decided we needed to pursue all opportunities.   So during the height of wedding stress and families arriving to Bethany I was driving myself to Kansas City and then Lawrence for two second interviews.

 

Among the job searching stress we had also been facing questions about our choice of timing and us getting married in general.     The questions were coming from my grandmother, one of my aunts and cousin, and one of my best friends (whom was also to be a bridesmaid).   Mostly there fears were about the timing of Greg and I's choice to marry and Greg not having the opportunity to prove himself to them yet as a changed man who could support a wife and live without his addictions.

 

Facing opposition is hard, especially when its from people you dearly love and care about.    Their concerns and opinions were very important to me but I didn't want their fears to be the one that was guiding my heart and decisions.    So I PRAYED as I wanted God to be the one guiding me and to be the voice I heard over all the others.    There was several moments of doubt, fear, logic, where I laid there in tears wondering what I should do and I did what only  I could do which was lay all those fears at the throne of my Master.

 

In this process I told one of my best and dearest friends (whom was to be a bridesmaid), my aunt, and my cousin that if they couldn't support me and Greg in this marriage not to come to the wedding.    That was a tough thing to do and my heart still aches for the hurt my decision and words may have caused them.

 

So at 4pm on Oct. 20, 2012 as those doors opened I saw Gregory for the first time that day.  Tears were falling from his eyes and his bottom lip didn't stop quivering as I made my way towards him to become his wife.    God gave me the most precious and reassuring moment as I saw his face, I knew I was living in God's will and guidance as we made our way towards him.

Greg watching me come in

 

Me looking at Greg, trying to hold it together!

 





Communion - love the light orb around the elements

Love each of these women in my life and so MANY more not pictured - I am so BLESSED!

I'm on this road with my God and my husband, looking forward to walking forward in faith!

Long story short, we had a PERFECT wedding day!   And while on our honeymoon I got a job offer in Lawrence, KS.    So God has opened this door for us to live in Kansas for some reason, we are unclear of his purposes for us here, but we are here.    God seems to be connecting us with the right people here.... but that's a story for another day!

So many more things to share but I am so happy and thankful to be living with God at my side.   Lots to reflect back on in this past year and so many huge ways God has moved in my life and answered my prayers.    Living in God's will is not easy nor the norm to what our culture will insist upon, but I challenge you to listen to God's guidance in your life!   It's a road worth taking!

God's will vs. my will!

Hello friends!

To those faithful followers - sorry for my absence - I've been distracted - to say the least... ha! It's been a little over a month since I picked up this gem in Plainfield, IN on an early thursday morning.

Overwhelmed is a good word, but doesn't begin to cover my thoughts, feelings, emotions, stress, etc...the past 35 days.    God IS faithful!   He has and continues to answer so many prayers in our life.

Greg summed it up best about 2 weeks ago when we were talking and he says, 'When WE choose to live in God's will for our lives, we can't go wrong as God's got it all figured out!'    Where I'm going with that is that had Greg and Jenna got what WE wanted, so many things would have not led us to where we are standing today... together.    So many examples of things we WANTED these past 4 months:

•  1. We didn't want Greg to have to go to jail.... well... we didn't get that wish and he got sentenced to serve out his 3 year sentence counting the time he had already served.   
• 2.  We wanted Greg to get placed at the closest jail facility to Fort Wayne.    We didn't get that either....  However... God knew what was better.    Had Greg went to the facility near me... he'd still be serving out his time through September.   Instead Greg got placed at a short term program that allowed him the opportunity to earn a time cut by attending classes.   

Those are just a few short items that add to our long list of God knowing what was best for us, even when we thought we had the BEST answers.     It just feels so good to know that when your living in God's will for your life, he's got your back... and holds the future in the palm of his hands.

Top highlights of the past month with Greg:

         1. Watching fireworks together on the 4th of July - recognizing his independence.

         2. Being able to worship together at church

         3. No supervised visits!

         4. I always have my very own dinner date.

         5. Greg being allowed to travel out of state sooner than expected (thank you God!) to 

             travel with me to Missouri and Nebraska and see both our families.

         6. Nature walks

         7. Long talks about where God has brought us and what he has and is continuing to teach us.

Among the good, I'd be lying if I told you it was all hunky dorey for me.   I have had to learn to adjust from my independent nature and ways.    Let me tell ya...it's not easy to give up my routines and ways of doing things to accomodate somebody else.    I've been stubborn, grumpy, upset, and down right angry about it.    Change is hard!   Not to mention the added stresses of wedding planning, finances, job searching, etc...   

We have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months and plans to fall into place.    At this point... my PLAN... ( and I say that loosely as it is ultimately up to God what will develop for us)... is for Greg and I to be moved back to Missouri by Mid October, right before the wedding.    I would like to have a job lined up to start by the end of October or first part of November.    Things have already been in motion in that department as I sent my resume in for a job that Cindy found for me on Craigslist of all places (yes...crazy).   They loved my resume and called me up immediately for an interview and I was able to go in and have that interview on Friday of this past week.    I'm not trying to toot my horn, but they already are making it sound like I have the positionl.    I've been praying that God brings me into the right position that doesn't require me to be on call excessively, and provides me a stress free, enjoyable work atmosphere.    So we shall see what unfolds with God's plan in the next few months.

The count is on... our target registry tells me we have 80 days till the wedding.... I can't wait to be Mrs. Jenna Johnson.    

So.. in a nutshell... want you to know that God is faithful.   Can't tell you how amazed I am in my daily interactions with Gregory and how God has transformed his heart into the Godly man I always desired and dreamed about for my future.   Just TRUST... God knows what He is doing!

Single digits

Today marks the official single digits of me bringing Greg home :)   hip hip hooray! 

Tomorrow I leave for Haiti - I am so excited about the opportunity to go.   I board my first flight in Indy at 6am (5am for all my central time followers) and arrive in Haiti 3:45 tomorrow afternoon.   I keep learning about more and more people I 'know' that will be on the trip from Albany or previous trips ~ so I am not only looking forward to connecting with these first timers but also looking forward to connecting with friends made on the last Haiti trip.

There are a lot of things on my plate in the next several months and a lot of things Greg will be challenged by as he enters back into a day to day normalcy.    I would appreciate prayers for us as we continue to seek God in His plans and provisions for us a couple and as individuals.

22hr til I'm on Haitian soil and 9 days til I pick up Greg.   

Also - please pray for Linda Lamb - she has faced all kinds of opposition from Satan, her doctors, church members, family members, etc... about her decision to go on this trip because of her health.   Give us wisdom about the tasks we do each day and what is best for her energy levels and health.

Thanks - talk to ya all next week!

Haiti bound in 24 days

An opportunity has fallen into my lap to go to Haiti June 19th-27th ~  so excited!   I'll be going as a 'caregiver' to the wonderful Linda Lamb!    Any of you who have been to Haiti over the years with MOH know what an amazing woman she is.    We both haven't been back to Haiti since June of 2010.     Excited to see what God has in store for me while I am there.   2 years ago it was a turning point for me as I was reflecting on my relationship with Greg and knew it was over for 'us' as he was walking down a very deadly path, but looking back it is so amazing what God has done in my life and Greg's life since that last trip.     Looking forward to reconnecting with friends while there and seeing what the team can accomplish during our time.

To top it all off, timing couldn't be more perfect as I'll arrive back from Haiti to Indianapolis on the night Greg is released from prison.    Which means I'll be able to pick him up when they drop him off at the bus station early morning on the 28th.     In my book, It'll be a perfect homecoming!

Some memories from my last trip!

Also - looking forward to some R&R with the future in-laws.